Today

It is just after 5 in the morning right now. I have been up since about 1:30. And it's not because of Darek. Well, not only because of Darek. I just finished putting the obituary together and have been thinking about the funeral that we will have today and everything that will happen in a few short hours.

Yesterday, Ryan and I went with Alex and Darek to the mortuary and were able to see Ian and dress him in a beautiful white outfit my Mom bought. It was a very hard, but amazing experience. We had told Alex to come, but if he got worried or nervous that he didn't have to stay. He actually did quite well and even touched his little hand for a bit. When we had come in, Darek had been a little agitated and wiggly. But as we walked in the room where Ian was, it seemed a calm came over Darek and a huge smile came across his face. He smiled almost continually for several minutes. I don't know if it was coincidence, or if he could see or sense his brother. Either way, it brought peace to my heart. Holly came and took several pictures of us as a family and some of Ian. I will be so grateful to have those pictures. When we left, I felt a pang of guilt. I'm sure it stems from the last time I left at the hospital and looking back now at what has happened. I know he is not in that little body anymore and staying would not have made a difference, but the guilt was still there.

We will be having a viewing at 1:00 today and then a small graveside service at 2:00. Ryan and I will speak, then a small musical number and the dedication of the grave. I know I will be a little more at peace when it is all done, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Some of you may criticize me for this, but tomorrow, I will be heading out of town to Disneyland actually. My parents had this trip scheduled for quite some time. Originally my grandparents, parents and my sister Bethany and her husband Chad were all going to go. But my grandparents are now unable to go. Since my parents bought the tickets already, they asked if we would like to go. Ryan is working and going to school the whole time, but suggested that I still take the boys and go. Alex doesn't know yet, and we are just telling him that we are going down to St. George for a few hours, then coming home. Only, instead of home, it'll be California. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he realizes what we're doing. I'm not yet sure how the trip will be. I know if I let myself, I will have fun. It's just a matter of letting myself. I think it will be good to get away and enjoy life a little. As Ryan has said, "If Ian can see us, I'm sure he wants us to be happy." And I agree with that. He is happy now and I'm sure he wants us to do the same.

Before I end, I wanted to take a moment to thank both of our families. My parents (of course) and my sisters and their families have been up this whole weekend and have been such a huge support to me. I have been grateful to have them to do things with to take my mind off of some of the sadness. I don't know if they understand that just having them here as a distraction has helped me more than they could ever imagine. Ryan's family have also been wonderful. They have called on several occasions and have constantly asked what they can do to help. Again, knowing there are people we can turn to at any given time means so much to us.

So there will not be any blog updates for about a week. When I get back, I will post some pictures that we got of Ian before and after he died. They are beautiful and I'm grateful to be able to share them with those we love.