Emotions

So it has been a few days since it happened.  Sunday was by far the worst day emotionally.  I was beyond hysterical really.  Monday was a little better, but still pretty emotional.  I was home from work that day and had a few people to keep me company.  My sweet boss brought me flowers.  And even though I said I wasn't looking for sympathy from anyone, it was truly inspiring and overwhelming to see how many people were there to support me however they could.  Yesterday I came to work.  I was still upset, but more than upset, just in a bad mood.  An angry mood.  It was yesterday afternoon that I came to a decision.  I am still sad, so very sad.  But I don't want to be angry.  Those hysterical feelings I had on Sunday, the 'out of control' feelings, were a little terrifying to experience again.  I experienced them throughout our fertility treatment days and for a time after Ian died.  I do not want to be that person again.  Depressed, angry, hurt... I have too much good in my life to let this rule over me.  Yes, I wanted this baby more than anything.  But it is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring it back.  So I choose to be happy.  I will grieve.  When I go to the store and see the outfit I had picked out to buy if we had a girl, I will grieve.  When I saw the pregnancy tests I took that were sitting on my dresser, I picked them up, cried, threw them away and I grieved.  I don't have answers and that is and will be the hardest part.  I feel my faith has been scarred a little, shaken, but not destroyed.  I still have a lot of discussion to have with my Heavenly Father, but I don't feel totally abandoned anymore.  I truly hope that this won't be my only miracle pregnancy.  I hope we can still buy the crib we have picked out, I can still ban Dora the Explorer from our home for another child and yes, even buy all those little jars of baby food.

Since it has been a question I've been asked the most, "Do you guys think you'll try again?", let me try and give you an explanation for that question.  1.  I don't know what this miscarriage has done to my body.  I don't know if it'll totally screw it up and add to fertility problems. 2. Just because it worked one time, doesn't mean it'll automatically work again.  Which brings up more issues.  If it doesn't work, how long do we try?  Do we seek fertility treatments again?  You get the picture.  3. I'm scared out of my mind that this will happen again.  I don't know how many times I've made the comment, "One of my worst fears is to get pregnant after all this time and then miscarry it."  So this is really a nightmare come true for me.  There are so many years and trials that go into that question.  So if I don't give you an answer, please understand this is not a simple "yes" or "no" for me.  Ryan and I will decide as time goes on what is right for our family.  It could be soon but likely will be several months before we even think about it.  You also have to understand the loss my boys have had to deal with in their short lives.  Darek is finally coming to terms and understanding what it would have been like to have a twin brother and how unfair it is that Ian isn't here.  He's dealing with this loss pretty hard (though he shows it in different ways).  He was so excited to finally get to be a big brother.  And Alex is so strong for what he has experienced.  I think much of his concern is for me, which is so humbling to see as a mother.

So that is all for now.  I want to thank you all again for the love and support you have shown me.  You have no idea what it has meant to me.