One Year

This past Wednesday marked an anniversary for us that I wasn't looking forward to... in fact I was really dreading it. October 7th marked the 1 year anniversary of the day our little Ian died. It is quite shocking that it has already been a year. It doesn't seem quite possible. It was a really hard day. From the time I woke up, I replayed that whole day in my mind. From waking up to the phone call that told me my son was dying to the phone call that told me he was gone. Remembering how helpless I felt not being there to hold him and comfort him. Ryan and I holding each other and crying with each phone call that we got. Pleading with the doctor to keep trying, that Ian couldn't really be dying. Talking to the wonderful nurses and social worker that we had become so attached to. Grateful to have our amazing friends willing to be with Ian at such a terrible time. Being on the phone so we could hear Ian receive his name and blessing. Getting that terrible phone call to tell us that Ian had left this life. Looking at our little Darek knowing we were going to miss out on so much. Going to pick Alex up from school to tell him his baby brother was gone. Looking in the closet at all the "twin outfits", knowing that Ian was never coming home and would never get to wear any of them. And then having to make phone calls for funeral arrangements.
It's amazing how vivid those images are in my mind. I know I only had a couple weeks with him, but I loved him from the second I laid eyes on him. He is our son and we are so lucky to have had that much time with him.

I don't know if Darek and Alex will ever realize what life savers they are for us. They have helped me through so many dark times. I know that time is supposed to heal wounds, but I don't know if mine have started healing yet. Maybe a little. But I hope that Ian knows how much he is loved and how excited I am that I will see him again.