Yesterday

I don't even know what to say at this point.  So many emotions and uncertainty.  We went to the ultrasound appointment yesterday.  There was nothing there.  No sac, no baby.  Ryan was there with me, which I was very grateful for.  We were told when we left that the doctor would be calling me after the Radiologist typed out the results.  Ryan and I talked about the possibilities of what might be going on.  Of course you go to the internet and find stories that match yours.  We found one where the same thing happened to her and the baby was just hiding and they didn't see anything until 15 weeks.  How that's possible, I don't know.  So part of me still wants to believe that there is this small possibility that there is a baby there.  We really didn't know what to think and just waited for the doctor to call.  I had been given tickets to the Jazz game that I had planned to take Darek to.  After my day, it was the last thing I wanted to do.  But I'm glad I did.  The doctor actually called me right as we were getting on Frontrunner to head downtown.  He said as usual with me, nothing is coming out right.  And he asked me to try not to worry, but said he's wondering if the cyst that they have seen on my right ovary is possibly a tumor.  Tumor.  And he's wondering if it might possibly the thing that is producing the hcg hormone.  He said he would be talking to another doctor in the morning about it and asked that I call him around 9am.  I got off the phone and texted Ryan the information.  I knew that if I called him and had to say those words, I would probably lose it and just want to come home.  Darek and I got to the game and really had a great time.  And it helped me not to completely lose my mind.


We left the game to come home and as we were waiting for Frontrunner to come home my doctor called me again.  He said he was thinking about it and was wondering if I could make sure I didn't eat or drink anything past midnight just in case the doctor thinks this is something that should be removed immediately and need to come in for surgery tomorrow (today).  I called Ryan and told him about it.  He's been so positive, trying to research anything he can to find out as much as he can.  I'm in a daze right now.  If I let myself think about all of it, it's too overwhelming.  So I'm just trying to wait for another 30 minutes until I talk to my doctor to find out what happens from here.  I am feeling so many emotions right now.  Tiny little bit hopeful that there could still be a baby, scared of surgery and the idea that if there is a baby that surgery would kill it, angry that all of this is even happening, grateful that if this is a tumor that we were able to catch it early to remove it, tired (okay that's not an emotion, but I am exhausted from all of this), frustrated that we still don't have answers, and love for such an amazing husband and children.  The one thing I told my Heavenly Father when I started spotting and bleeding is that one of the only ways I could accept all of this is if this had to happen to get me to realize I had a health problem that I would not have looked for or realized I had without getting pregnant.  I am praying that this is truly not the case.  But if it is, at least I will know why all of this has happened.

I'm thinking I will wait to post this until I have answers from my doctor.

Well it looks like I'm going in for surgery today.  I'm still at work and in 'work mode', so I'm not quite freaking out yet.  As soon as I'm in my husbands arms at home I'm sure the breakdown will start.  My doctor said this mass could be a number of different things and it's best to get it out.  He said there is a pregnancy somewhere in my body and it's not in my uterus, so the fear is that maybe it is ectopic in that mass.  And if it bursts then we could be in real trouble.  So I'm headed to the hospital at 1:30 for surgery around 3:00.  I'm so nervous.  They'll initially go in laparoscopic to investigate.  So I may end up with a couple little incisions, or he said I could wake up with another c-section scar.  This is so overwhelming.  Anyway, I have lots to do.  Here we go...