Longest Weeks of my Life

***I have just finished writing this post.  I just want to make it clear to whomever reads this, that this is not a way to seek for sympathy or attention.  This was for me.  This was my therapy to get through these last couple weeks.  And this is my journal.  I wanted a record of these couple of weeks.  I wrote all of these posts on the day of or morning after they occurred, so these feelings were all 'real time'. 

This has been one of the most exciting and difficult weeks I've ever experienced.  Let me start with a few months ago.  Ryan and I have always wanted more children.  I am so grateful for the 3 boys I have and know I'm so lucky to have them, but our family has just never quite felt complete.  I honestly feel like we have 2 girls (I keep feeling are twin girls) still to join our family, but my intuition isn't always the strongest.  We've discussed having more but have never known which route to take.  I knew I would NEVER do fertility treatments again.  So it was either adopt again or hope that one day I would miraculously get pregnant.  So in December I had an extremely strong feeling that we really needed to try that month to get pregnant.  I've never experienced something quite like this.  It was truly as though someone was yelling it at me.  So I decided to see what happened.  But truly somehow I knew that I would get pregnant if we did what we could.  That brings me to this past week.

Monday - Thought there was a possibility I might be pregnant but was too scared to take a test.  Told myself I would do it the next day. 

Tuesday - Went to the dollar store on my lunch break and bought two tests.  I went home really quick and took a test.  I was so nervous to look at it.  I sat in the bathroom and counted out the 3 minutes I had to wait.  I convinced myself that it was likely I would see the one little line that I have seen for the last 12 years all those times I thought I might be pregnant.  I also convinced myself that I would be okay. Finally I looked at the test and was shocked to see a second little line there.  I started screaming and crying.  Immediately I thanked my Heavenly Father.  Ryan just happened to call me soon after that while I was still sniffling.  I had texted him earlier about something and he just happened to be calling me back right then.  So I talked to him about the thing we had texted about earlier.  And then I just blurted out, "Um I think I'm pregnant!"  He was at work so it was hard for him to react, but was shocked and excited.  Both of us kind of wanted some kind of confirmation, so he suggested I go to the doctor and have a blood test done.  We decided not to tell anyone until we got the test results back. 

Wednesday - I took the second test in the morning.  It also had that extra little line on it, which for me was confirmation enough that I was indeed pregnant.  I was supposed to be hearing back about the blood test (which didn't come back until Thursday), but honestly I felt like I had enough proof.  We decided we would tell the boys that evening.  After Ryan got home from work, I picked the boys up from the park.  I told them we needed to sit and talk about something.  Alex got nervous and started asking what it was about.  He guessed that we were moving or that he did something and was in trouble.  I told him to hang on and we'd be home in a few seconds.  The boys sat on the couch and I had Ryan start recording it.  Alex then thought that by the way we were acting that it was good news.  I told him that good news to us wasn't necessarily going to be good news for him.  And then I told them that I was pregnant.  "No you're not," said Alex.  "Yes, I am."  "No, you're not."  "Dude, I really am."  Alex then got up off the couch, went into his room and shut the door.  He was not thrilled with our news.  (We kinda figured he wouldn't be.)  I told him we needed to talk to him about it and finally threatened to ground him if he didn't come out.  He did and we sat and talked about it.  Darek couldn't have been happier.  He said some of the sweetest things.  My favorite was, "Mom, I really hope the baby comes out brown like me."  :)  We had a good talk and had to let Alex go to get used to the idea. 

Thursday - On cloud nine.  Trying to think of fun ways to tell our family.  Imagining the looks on family members faces as they heard the news.  We decided to take the boys down to the gateway after school and have some fun down there at a new arcade place.  On the car ride there I finally got the call from the doctor confirming the pregnancy through the blood test.  Although I didn't need to hear it, it gave me an extra boost of confidence and excitement to hear it from them.  We had a perfect evening which included finding the perfect way to tell the grandparents about the baby.  We got home late after a great night.  I struggled all night to sleep. 

Friday - After a rough night I got up a little late and started getting ready.  Went to the bathroom and started bleeding.  Started getting worried but wasn't experiencing any pain so I hoped that all would be okay.  Had a little more bleeding throughout the day but again no pain.  Cried off and on throughout work and was constantly looking up symptoms trying to figure out if I miscarrying or if I might be okay still.  Called my new OB and found out he was not in on Friday.  Made an appt. with my regular doctor, but decided to cancel it and wait to see what happened.  Tried to be positive and have faith but I was just worried.  We let the boys know what was going on so they were aware.  I asked Alex if he was a little relieved that I might not have a baby.  He said no, that he really was starting to get excited about it. 

Saturday - Still bleeding, but not much.  Went through the day and started getting some work done on the basement.  While we were out doing some shopping, I asked Ryan if we could pretend that everything was going to be just fine and browse the baby section for a while.  We found a gray crib that we really loved.  I saw something Dora the Explorer and said that our child would not be a Dora fan (I can't stand that show).  I also remembered how much I hated buying all the little jars of food, but love those tasty puff treats.  I was impressed to see that the boxes of baby cereal had been updated and look much easier to use. It was fun to walk through and imagine being able to start shopping in that section again.  It's been a long time.  That helped to take some of the worry away temporarily.  We had planned that we were going to tell my parents that day, but decided to wait until we had more answers.  It was so hard having them over and not saying anything.  After they left, I was laying on the couch and Ryan was setting up our new computer.  Out of no where I had the worst, sharp pain hit me on my right side.  Almost immediately after, my mind went to ectopic pregnancy.  The pain went away quickly but I started researching anything I could.  Not only was I now worried about the life of my baby, but now concerned for my own well being.  Throughout trying to get pregnant up until this point I was really trying to rely on faith.  When trying to get pregnant, I decided not to do ovulation tests or charting or any fertility medication.  I just wanted to let my Heavenly Father know that I had faith that this baby was supposed to be here.  But this is where my faith started wavering.  I couldn't understand why if He had been so forceful letting me know this baby was supposed to come, why all of this was happening.  I told Ryan I needed a blessing.  He gave me one and I was told everything that I needed to hear.  After the blessing, Ryan asked me to pray.  So I sat there and prayed with my husband.  I didn't stop crying through the blessing or prayer.  I felt comfort after that my health/life was not in danger.  And I feel as though things will be okay with the baby.  But I don't know that I'll stop worrying until I hear that heartbeat. 

Sunday - We decided to really take it easy today and stay home to rest.  I let the ladies in the primary presidency know that I would not be at our meeting and would not be at church today.  I filled them in and asked for any prayers they could send.  As a family we decided to go on a ride up to Ogden and through the mountains and back home through Park City.  It took about 2 hours and was beautiful.  The different kinds of beauty in our state are pretty amazing.  A very good reminder of all that we have been given.  The boys even enjoyed themselves (without electronic devices) and we had some really good laughs on our trip.   No matter what happens, I want to remember this week.  Both the wonderful, happy feelings and the feelings of devastation.  I am planning to see the doctor tomorrow.  Again, I want to have faith that everything is going to be great and maybe I'll get to see the first little picture of our little one.  But I am nervous and scared.  Because I know that if that's not the case and this little baby is gone, I will be extremely devastated.  I understand why people wait to tell others about pregnancy until after 12 weeks, but I almost wish I had told my parents and shared this news with everyone.  I have felt very alone through these past few days.  I'm so grateful I've had Ryan, or I truly would've gone crazy.  If I do miscarry they will feel the sadness, but at least they would have been able to feel the joy too, even if for a short while.  Okay, but I am staying positive!  Once we do have some answers, whatever they are, I will probably post this.  For now I will save this until I can come back and post tomorrow.  Sunday evening - Another breakdown after more bleeding and some clotting (sorry for the TMI).  I'm not seeing a positive ending in all of this.  And I'm angry.  I'm hurt and angry.  Ryan came into the bedroom and we sat and discussed our mutual hurt and anger.  We were finally at a point where we were accepting of our infertility.  Not thrilled about it, but had come to terms with it. Why would Heavenly Father send me promptings, very obvious promptings that I need to get pregnant, allow me to get pregnant and then take it all away?  I hope more than anything that I am over reacting and tomorrow I will feel silly and embarrassed to have written this.  But today it is hard for me to see how anything positive can happen.  I'm going to keep praying and hope that tomorrow will bring me a lot of joy!

Monday - This is truly the longest week of my life.  It's 7:45 am, I'm sitting at work and I'm so nervous.  I'm waiting for my doctors office to open so I can call and make an appointment.  And I'm praying they can get me in quickly instead of waiting all day today.  Honestly my mind keeps going to positive outcomes.  Seeing that beautiful picture of our baby.  Having my doctor tell me this is all normal.  Then in the back of my mind I know I need to be prepared for the other possibilities.  So now I wait.  Monday 12:30 - Just returned from seeing my doctor.  No ultrasound.  Bummer.  He said that everything actually looked okay, but that he needed to do a blood test to see what my hcg levels are.  That is the best way to tell if I am still pregnant.  He didn't seem concerned about the sharp pain I experienced, so I'm hoping that it truly is nothing.  The blood work will take a few hours to come back and he told me he would call as soon as he gets it back.  More waiting.  Even that won't give a definite answer.  I will likely go back in a couple days to retest my levels to make sure they are still going up.  But the appointment as a whole has made me feel a little better. Monday 7:30 - Got the results of the blood test around 5:30.  It could be good or bad.  If I'm going off how far along I think I am, then the results are not good.  But if I'm wrong and not as far along as I think I am, then the results could be fine.  So more waiting.  I think my doctor is planning on an ultrasound tomorrow that should confirm things one way or the other.  I'm trying not to cry tonight.  This sucks.

Tuesday - Called my OB this morning with my hcg numbers.  He didn't seem concerned about how low they were and said not to worry about the charts, that the numbers vary so much with each person that you really can't follow it.  I was hoping that he would do an ultrasound but he said that would be pointless, that nothing would really show up and all it would do is cause more worry.  So he said tomorrow we draw blood again and get the hcg numbers again.  If they've gone up, we should be okay.  If they've dropped then we know that we are losing or we've lost the baby.  I think we are going to take the boys out to a movie tonight just so I have something else to focus on.  I just have to get through my work day.  As I read through this and I'm sure once people read through it, it will seem very blown out of proportion.  Especially if it turns out that everything is okay.  But I think what sometimes is forgotten is that this is the first time I've been pregnant in 12 years!  I may not get another opportunity at this (I'm sure not getting any younger).  So if it feels like I'm a little desperate, I am.  And maybe my desperation makes things more stressful than they need to be, but put yourself in my situation and tell me you wouldn't feel the same or at least similar to this. Tuesday 3:45 - Just got home from work and sat and sang at the piano for a minute.  My favorite songs to sing are primary songs.  The one I started singing made me cry a little.  It's called "I'll Follow Him in Faith".  In the song it says, "The Lord has blessed me with simple faith.  If I pray for help, He will give me strength."  "The Lord has blessed me to feel His love.  I have heard His promptings and learned to trust.  So in all I do, I'll be faithful to the things I know are true."  Those words really hit home to me right now and I know I needed to hear that.  I have heard my Heavenly Father's promptings, followed the promptings and now I need to trust in Him.  And how many times have I prayed for help in the last few days?  Each time I do, I receive comfort.  Faith is not an easy thing to have sometimes, but this was a good reminder to keep trying.

Wednesday - Woke up with the puffiest eyes I've ever had, after having another exceptional cry last night.  Seriously, poor Ryan.  I honestly felt like I was going crazy last night.  He compared this to how I felt when we were going through fertility treatments.  And truly that's about right.  Both situations are horrible in their own right and just suck.  Went and got my blood drawn again this morning at about 9:30.  They are testing the hcg and this should give me an answer.  I just need an answer.  I need to know how to feel.  I'm sure you can tell from this post how up and down I have been.  On Monday it took about 5 hours to get results.  I'd love to get them before then, but I'm hoping by 2:30, I'll have an answer. Wednesday 3:45 - I have been nervous all day but finally got a call just before 3:00.  My hcg level rose!  It was at 535 and now is at 839.  This is still very low, but I might just be a person with low hcg levels.  My doctor said that it's nice for me because those with higher levels are the ones that get the horrible morning sickness.  I told him that I was never sick with Alex either, so that was another good indicator that things might actually be okay.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday.  Hoping and praying that we see a little heartbeat!  Which means, I will probably not post this until after we have the ultrasound on Friday.  Yay!  I may actually get through the whole day without crying!!!

Thursday - I guess Thursdays are just good days.  I stayed relatively calm and happy today.  We also decided to tell my family today.  My sister came up and it just felt like we should tell them.  I know we don't have any certain answers yet.  But the way I felt was that I have been so up and down and I am struggling to be happy right now.  I knew that if we told a few family members, that it would make it a lot easier to be excited and happy, which overall is better for the baby anyway.  And if things don't turn out well, I'll have a little more support.  So I took the boys over to my parents house around 6:30pm.  We had a build-a-bear made and bought a little t-shirt for the bear that Darek wrote "World's Best Grandparents" on.  On the birth certificate for the bear we put the birth date as the due date for the baby and in the name spot, we put Baby Wood.  I gave it to my mom and said the boys made them a bear for Valentines Day.  She took it out and they thought it was really cute.  It took her a minute to look at the birth certificate.  When she did, she didn't catch on.  They didn't really notice the date and thought the boys had just named the bear Baby Wood.  I finally had to say, "Baby Wood could be referring to something else."  That did it.  There were many tears, screaming, jaws dropping and complete shock and happiness.  My mom didn't stop hugging me for a very long time.  It was a pure moment of joy.  One I will probably not forget.  Shortly after, my sister came back with her kids after running an errand.  My mom showed her the bear and certificate.  She thought it was cute and commented that "it looks like it made mom cry."  She noticed the Baby Wood, but didn't think anything of it either.  We tried to guide her to getting the meaning of it, but she didn't quite get it.  So I just blurted out, "I'm pregnant!"  "WHAT??!?!"  Again shock, a few tears, hugging and happiness.  I let them all know that we were having some complications and were just praying that the pregnancy would last.  They all said they would be offering prayers as well.  But I don't regret my decision to tell them.  I texted my other siblings and talked to my other sister on the phone for over 45 minutes.  I went to bed so happy last night.

Friday - I woke up this morning actually a little excited to go to the ultrasound today.  I truly believe we are going to be fine.  I was a little bummed to get a call late last night from the ultrasound tech saying she had an emergency and wouldn't be able to do my ultrasound until noon instead of 9am.  But I was able to talk to her about my situation and she was very sweet which helped put my mind at ease a little more.  I am currently sitting here at work at 10:15am.  I have to drink 32 ounces of water and can't pee until after the ultrasound.  This is going to be a VERY UNCOMFORTABLE 2 hours.  And I get kinda sick if I drink too much at once, so I started drinking at 9am, so it's really over 3 hours of being uncomfortable.  It'll all be worth it though. I've been praying a lot this morning.  And I know there are many others out there doing the same.  Hopefully there will be answers soon to come....  Friday evening - So we still don't have any certain answers, but we do have a few questions answered.  We saw nothing in the uterus.  No sac, no baby.  It could be that it's just too early to see anything, so I'm not going to rule that out yet.  They did find an enormous cyst on my right ovary (well, either one enormous one or 4 grouped together).  That explains the pain I have felt on my right side.  Whew!  No ectopic pregnancy.  Whew!  So without seeing anything this either means I have miscarried or it's just too early to detect anything.  Either one is completely possible.  I did have blood work done right after the ultrasound but will probably not get the results until Monday.  Honestly that should be a very good indicator of whether I am still pregnant or not.  My hcg levels should be anywhere between 1200-1600 by now.  If they are in that range or higher then it's likely that everything is really going to be okay and I'm just not quite as far along as I thought I was.  If they aren't in that range or have gone down from the 839 that it was on Wednesday, that would likely indicate a miscarriage.  Still don't know where all the bleeding has been coming from, unless it's a miscarriage.  So once again, we wait.

Saturday - Cleaned the house.  It has really taken a beating with me going through all of this and it really needed some TLC.  Everyone pitched in and it's looking much better.  We had ordered 40 lb. boxes of chicken at a great price, so my mom, sister and I got our chicken and cut and sorted it into baggies for meals.  After that, we all went up to Ogden to have some fun at Fat Cats.  It was a great night.  We talked about the baby and how long it's going to be before we get to find out what we're having.  We also talked about how crazy it is for me to be going through all the pregnancy stuff again.  We all played and had a really fun time with each other.  I'm so glad I had today.  It has really helped to have my family know what's going on.  We don't focus too much on the other possibilities and just really try to be positive and hope everything will be okay.  Tomorrow I am teaching sharing time.  I've had a hard time preparing this week, but I think it will still go okay.  Then after church we're going to my parents for dinner.  My Aunt and a few of my cousins will be there as one of my cousins will be entering the MTC this week to go on a mission.  It'll be another really wonderful day.  And I found out I will have Monday off since it's a holiday.  I love extra days to be with my family.  Anyway, I'm going to finish my sharing time and head off to bed.  It's been a great day.

Sunday - I went to my primary presidency meeting this morning.  I updated them on all of the baby stuff and stayed to talk to them about how we told my family and what an exciting moment it was.  I came home to get ready to go to church.  I went into the bathroom and found that I was bleeding a lot and this time with clotting.  Immediately I knew this was it.  In tears, I called the primary president and asked her to take over my sharing time today.  I texted my family, apologized for getting them excited and told them I was having the miscarriage.  My parents had my boys come over and play while I stayed in bed and cried through most of the day.  The miscarriage itself wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, although it wasn't fun either.  But the emotional pain experienced I've only felt a few other times in my life.  My baby is gone.  This wonderful dream of a sweet little person joining our family that I've had these past couple weeks is gone.  I'm broken hearted and am feeling very abandoned by my Heavenly Father.  It wasn't enough to leave us infertile for 12 years, it wasn't enough to have already taken one of my children.  He had to give me promptings that I would get pregnant, allow it to happen and then take it all away.  I have already had a few comments from people that I know mean well, but that the comments almost make things worse.  "Maybe the promptings were eternal and not earthly"  First, you did not feel these promptings.  These promptings were not eternal, they were earthly.  Second, You cannot add a miscarried baby to the records of the church.  We are not told when the spirit actually enters a person, so I have (nor does anyone else) no idea if this child will be mine after this life.  "If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be"  Why would I receive promptings after 12 years, if this wasn't supposed to be?  If it's not meant to be then why would He be so cruel?  Why couldn't we have just been left alone and continue on with the way things were?  Maybe at some point I will come to terms with this and maybe even find meaning in it.  Right now though, there is no lesson, no reason and I am sad and angry.