Pinner's Conference

I just wanted to let everyone know about an exciting event coming up soon!  This is something I was able to attend last year with my mom and sisters.  We had the best time and I can't wait to go again!  There are a whole bunch of classes to choose from.  I think my favorites last year were the ones put on by The Wood Connection.  I have the cutest nativity set now thanks to one of their classes.  But seriously, you should all go!

This first picture was at the VIP night where we participated in games.  I got to choose a prize and won a HUGE check for around $9.00!  :)  It was pretty awesome carrying that thing around though.


It was fun taking classes with my mom and sisters and there were a few that I took on my own. 


I can't wait for Nov 4-5 so I can attend and have more wonderful times there.  Hope you are all able to make it!

ER visit

On Friday I decided I was feeling so good that I went and did our grocery shopping.  I wasn't on any medication (since you can't drive on medication) and headed out to the store.  Everything went well at the store.  I probably lifted a few things I shouldn't but was very cautious about everything I was doing.  I got home and unloaded all but the really heavy stuff and then took it easy.  Well by the middle of the day I could tell I over did it.  I was sore and just not feeling good.  By the evening I was having a horrible pain on my right side.  I wasn't sure if it was a muscle pain, or if I had torn something, but it made it really hard to move at all.  When I sat still, I was fine.  But getting up, or moving at all caused me horrendous pain.  I felt worse than I had when I first got out of surgery.  On Saturday, I did nothing.  We didn't go anywhere, I didn't move.  I just sat down and put heat on it.  Nothing changed.  No improvement at all. 

Sunday I woke up to the same pain, but it may have gotten even a little bit worse.  At that point, Ryan said he was taking me to the hospital.  If it was something serious, we needed to get it looked at.  I was thinking it might be appendicitis, but thought how random that would be.  But I really had no idea.  We went to the ER and the car ride there was one of the most excruciating things I have ever been through.  Minor bumps on the road were painful.  Big bumps or especially the raised sidewalks downtown caused me to scream out in pain and start sobbing.  Seriously, worst pain ever.  We got to the ER and got checked in. Got an IV in me and some morphine started.  Funny thing was the morphine didn't even really get rid of the pain.  Took the edge off, but getting up to do anything was still extremely painful.  The doctor came in an examined me.  He pushed down on the area that was painful and surrounding areas.  He said because of the pain it was causing, he didn't want to do an ultrasound because that would likely be even more painful.  So he ordered a CT scan.  I had to wait and drink all the contrast for 1 1/2 hours before I could go in.  We finally got in there to do the scan.  It was my first one and a very interesting experience.  It took about 45 minutes to get the results back.  It showed a pocket of fluid that could possibly be causing the pain, but nothing else.  The doctor felt bad that there wasn't more that they could do.  He prescribed more meds and sent me on my way.  I was happy that it wasn't anything worse, but wishing for a more certain answer.  I was drugged up pretty good from the hospital meds, so the car ride home was much easier.  We picked up my prescription and headed home.  By the time I went to bed that night I was feeling okay.  I wasn't sure if it was still the meds in me and didn't want to chance it, so I took one more dose that night before bed. 

I woke up Monday morning and the pain was gone.  Totally gone.  I started pushing on the same area to see if I would feel it lingering still, but there was no pain.  I was shocked but thrilled!  I was feeling better than I had on Friday when I went out shopping.  I'm so glad I went into the ER, because I think whatever it was (pushing on the site to help absorb the fluid, getting me drugged up enough that my body could take some jostling to absorb fluid, etc.) was why the pain was gone.  I think this will always be one of those funky things that happened that I'll never quite get an answer to, but I'm just happy to be feeling better.

It's Tuesday now (2 weeks since surgery) and I have been off medication 2 whole days.  YAY!  I will be going back to work tomorrow and will also have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning.  I'm just so ready for all of this to be behind me and get back to normal life.  However I've also been a little emotional today.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm trying to get over these last 6 weeks and dealing with all that has happened or I'm not sure that I'm 100% ready for it all to be over.  I keep thinking of the highs and lows and wishing so badly to have another high.  But it will come.  Maybe not in the form of another pregnancy, but there are many other 'highs' in my life.  Soccer season is starting up here very soon.  Alex will be turning 12 in 2 short weeks.  Lagoon will be opening in about 3 weeks and I can't wait to have some family time there. I'm ready to be well again and go back to all the happiness I was feeling before.

Post Surgery update

I have been debating whether to continue to post about any of this after receiving some harsh criticism and comments.  But ultimately I decided that this isn't about anyone else or for anyone else.  It's for me and for my family.  I'm happy to let others read it, so I'll have to deal with those who don't like what I have to say.  So criticize all you want!  :)

I am now a week and almost 2 days past surgery.  I'll give just a little summary of the surgery.

Tuesday, Feb 24th - Got to the hospital about 1:30 and checked in.  Soon after I was taken to a room to get all the hospital garb on.  A nurse started an IV and we ended up waiting in that room for about 3 hours.  At around 4:45 (I think) I was wheeled out and said goodbye to Ryan.  I was taken into another room where a nurse came and talked to me about any fears and worries I had, which really boiled down to not knowing exactly what would happen and what they would find.  We went over what would happen in surgery and that I would get to talk to the doctor and anesthesiologist before going in.  I was then wheeled down a hall and watched as my doctor started getting ready for the surgery.  He came over and talked to me as did the anesthesiologist.  We signed all the papers and headed into the OR.  I moved from one bed to the other and was almost immediately asleep. 

The hospital stay was actually pretty good overall.  I had really great nurses and my doctor was always checking up on me.  It was hard being on the maternity floor with a whole bunch of new moms and babies everywhere, but I will tell you that I stayed really emotionally strong throughout my stay.  Even with pain and everything, I did not shed a single tear while I was there.  And not because I wanted to prove something, it was simply because I was really doing okay.  There were a couple moments that really tested my strength.  At one point, a nurse was quietly coming into my room.  She had her back to me and I could see her wheeling something in.  At first I thought it was the nurse coming to check my blood pressure.  Nope.  She had gotten rooms mixed up and was wheeling a baby into my room.  I very kindly told her she had the wrong room.  She turned around, shocked, apologized and left the room.  Ryan and I kinda laughed it off, but it stung a little.  Another one of my nurses was applauding me for my progress with walking and said if I felt like walking around, the evening was the best time to do it, cause most of the babies were back in the nursery by then, so I could go take a look at them.  I told her I didn't think I was emotionally prepared for that yet.  Her jaw dropped (realizing what she said) and smiled and walked out.  Again, it stung, but I occupied myself with new episodes of Survivor and The Amazing Race.  :)  The boys came to see me on Wednesday afternoon, which I loved!  Because I was on the maternity floor, with the sicknesses going around, they couldn't let the boys come to my room, so we worked it out to get a wheelchair so I could go down to the lobby to see them.  They were a little freaked out seeing me in a wheelchair and hospital clothes.  Darek got a little upset and told me he just wanted me home.  But I loved seeing them and was so grateful to my mom for bringing them to me.  I ended up doing so well that they let me leave on Thursday afternoon around 1:00.  I really wanted to be home by the time the boys got home from school that day.  They were so happy to see me home and I was thrilled to be there.

Friday I got my staples out.  My doctor had ended up leaving town and asked a family practice doctor if she would remove them.  Ryan took me over in the morning to get it done.  We were waiting for her in one of the rooms.  She walked in and yelled, "Congratulations!"  She looked around and then asked, "Well, where is the baby?"  We told her that we had an ectopic pregnancy and there wasn't a baby.  She then started making up excuses as to why she said what she did.  It became very uncomfortable because she just kept carrying on about it, but with no apology.  We finally got through it and she just as happily said, "Well, have a great weekend!"  As we walked down through the lobby, I lost it.  I don't know if it was because it was the final straw of dealing with insensitivity, or just the major realization of not having a baby.  But I cried as Ryan held me.  He made the comment that she would be one doctor we would never be seeing in the future.  We got to the car and I calmed down and I found my strong self again.

I should explain that I did end up with a full C-section incision.  They did go in laparoscopic first, so I had 2 incisions from that and then my big one.  While I was in the hospital, the two little ones started to itch a bit but they didn't look too bad.  It got a little worse on Friday and I showed the doctor that took the staples out.  She didn't see that anything was too bad.  But over the weekend they got really red, really itchy and my skin started bubbling around the incisions.  On Monday I called my doctors office to see if I could get checked out.  I knew he was probably busy, but when I called at 8:30 and still hadn't had a call back at 2:00, I decided to go to the instacare.  His office was in the same building, so I went up there first to see if he wanted to look at it. The nurse went back and talked to him and she had me come back really quick.  He came in and said I was having an allergic reaction to the adhesive they put on to attach the steri strips.  He ended up having to rip the steri strips off (of blistered skin).  Yeah, that didn't feel good.  He said that I wouldn't have anything holding my incision together, so I would have to be extra careful with what I do.  But there was really nothing he could give me to help with the itching or blistering.  Awesome.  He asked me to come to his office after he was done torturing me.  :)  He said that while the pathology reports had not come in while I was still in the hospital and he wanted to go over those with me now.  He had thought after the surgery that the mass was a cyst but after getting the report back, they found it was actually a tumor.  A benign tumor, thankfully.  But he said because they were trying to save what they could, they didn't get all of the tumor, so it was a possibility it could grow back.  He also said that what they removed from my fallopian tube was indeed the pregnancy.  He said he would see me back in a couple weeks.

 So here we are today.  Other than this darn rash, I'm healing pretty well.  Of course, still a bit of pain, but I think I'm doing okay.  I've been out of the house quite a few times and I've done pretty well.  This time has really given me a chance to reflect on the last month.  Weird that it's been a month since I took that test.  Part of me is sad still.  I feel though that having what I thought was a miscarriage, was a blessing in disguise.  I was able to process the loss of the baby during that time.  So as I've gone through this surgery I could focus on my physical well-being, instead of being emotionally distraught along with it.  I have been overwhelmingly grateful for so many things.  As I stated in my last post, I knew that one of the only ways I could handle this outcome is if my health could be affected if it hadn't happened.  Knowing that this was a tumor, it would've kept growing and growing.  And although benign, who knows what the outcome might have been if it hadn't been caught and taken care of.  I have no idea how long it's been there or how fast it was growing.  This surgery honestly could have taken both ovaries and tubes had anything gone wrong, so it seems to me that there is a reason I was able to keep everything.  I'm still hoping and praying that I'll be able to have a healthy pregnancy in the future.  Now knowing it can happen and knowing the promptings I've had, I can't see giving up at this point.  I'm also really scared about having another ectopic.  But I know I can't let fear rule over me.  As Ryan has said to me a couple times now, "We need to let you heal first, then decide if we want to attempt anything again."  I personally like to have a plan, so waiting and having patience isn't always easy for me.  Besides the blessings of having a successful surgery, I have been blessed tremendously by those around me.  I have had so many offers of help and comfort.  Dinners brought over, family and friends calling or texting to check up on me.  I know that there are so many people that have prayed and continue to pray for me and my family and I want them all to know that I have felt that love and comfort.  I don't think I realized how much I am loved and how many people truly care about me.  It has been eye opening and inspiring for me to see.  It has been hard to be on the accepting end of service, to have so many others provide service for me.  I think I will also try a little harder to find ways to serve others.  Knowing how much the littlest kind comment, flowers, text, phone call, dinner, hug, conversation, card, lunch, etc. has meant to me and how it has helped me grow stronger everyday.  I want to do the same for others and give back what has been given to me. 

I want to end this post by thanking my Heavenly Father.  I truly thought as I was going through the last month that this would really affect my faith.  That I would have a hard time understanding and getting through this trial in my life.  Especially with what we have already experienced in the past.  While I'm so sad and wish with everything in me that this pregnancy didn't have to end this way, I'm grateful to Him for giving me some understanding to why it ended this way.  I don't know that I'm exactly grateful for the experience, not yet.  But I'm grateful for my health and know I am blessed to have the family and beautiful children that I have.  And for those things alone, I know I have been given more than I deserve. 

Yesterday

I don't even know what to say at this point.  So many emotions and uncertainty.  We went to the ultrasound appointment yesterday.  There was nothing there.  No sac, no baby.  Ryan was there with me, which I was very grateful for.  We were told when we left that the doctor would be calling me after the Radiologist typed out the results.  Ryan and I talked about the possibilities of what might be going on.  Of course you go to the internet and find stories that match yours.  We found one where the same thing happened to her and the baby was just hiding and they didn't see anything until 15 weeks.  How that's possible, I don't know.  So part of me still wants to believe that there is this small possibility that there is a baby there.  We really didn't know what to think and just waited for the doctor to call.  I had been given tickets to the Jazz game that I had planned to take Darek to.  After my day, it was the last thing I wanted to do.  But I'm glad I did.  The doctor actually called me right as we were getting on Frontrunner to head downtown.  He said as usual with me, nothing is coming out right.  And he asked me to try not to worry, but said he's wondering if the cyst that they have seen on my right ovary is possibly a tumor.  Tumor.  And he's wondering if it might possibly the thing that is producing the hcg hormone.  He said he would be talking to another doctor in the morning about it and asked that I call him around 9am.  I got off the phone and texted Ryan the information.  I knew that if I called him and had to say those words, I would probably lose it and just want to come home.  Darek and I got to the game and really had a great time.  And it helped me not to completely lose my mind.


We left the game to come home and as we were waiting for Frontrunner to come home my doctor called me again.  He said he was thinking about it and was wondering if I could make sure I didn't eat or drink anything past midnight just in case the doctor thinks this is something that should be removed immediately and need to come in for surgery tomorrow (today).  I called Ryan and told him about it.  He's been so positive, trying to research anything he can to find out as much as he can.  I'm in a daze right now.  If I let myself think about all of it, it's too overwhelming.  So I'm just trying to wait for another 30 minutes until I talk to my doctor to find out what happens from here.  I am feeling so many emotions right now.  Tiny little bit hopeful that there could still be a baby, scared of surgery and the idea that if there is a baby that surgery would kill it, angry that all of this is even happening, grateful that if this is a tumor that we were able to catch it early to remove it, tired (okay that's not an emotion, but I am exhausted from all of this), frustrated that we still don't have answers, and love for such an amazing husband and children.  The one thing I told my Heavenly Father when I started spotting and bleeding is that one of the only ways I could accept all of this is if this had to happen to get me to realize I had a health problem that I would not have looked for or realized I had without getting pregnant.  I am praying that this is truly not the case.  But if it is, at least I will know why all of this has happened.

I'm thinking I will wait to post this until I have answers from my doctor.

Well it looks like I'm going in for surgery today.  I'm still at work and in 'work mode', so I'm not quite freaking out yet.  As soon as I'm in my husbands arms at home I'm sure the breakdown will start.  My doctor said this mass could be a number of different things and it's best to get it out.  He said there is a pregnancy somewhere in my body and it's not in my uterus, so the fear is that maybe it is ectopic in that mass.  And if it bursts then we could be in real trouble.  So I'm headed to the hospital at 1:30 for surgery around 3:00.  I'm so nervous.  They'll initially go in laparoscopic to investigate.  So I may end up with a couple little incisions, or he said I could wake up with another c-section scar.  This is so overwhelming.  Anyway, I have lots to do.  Here we go...

Never Ending

Well, the past few days have been interesting.  As my doctor says, I'm weird and am really not fitting in anywhere close to what normal is.  I went in to see my doctor last Wednesday.  He said it looked as though my body was probably going to miscarry the baby.  The strange part about the comment was that I thought I already had because of what I went through on Sunday - Tuesday.  But apparently it wasn't over, which crushed me.  So he ordered another blood test to find out what my hcg levels were after all of the bleeding on Sunday.  On Thursday we found out they had risen from 1210 to over 3000.  ????  Very confusing.  But I figured my body was just in the process of lowering back to normal.  He asked that I follow up with him on Saturday to let him know how I was doing.  On Saturday, the bleeding had all but stopped and I hadn't experienced any major pain since Tuesday.  Again, very confusing.  So he ordered the hcg again.  Results came back a few hours later at over 5000.  WHAT?!?  That was when I got the comment of how 'weird' I am.  From everything he saw and what had happened, he really thought I was miscarrying.  But these numbers tell something very different.  The hcg does not go up if you are not pregnant.  There are a few exceptions.  One of which is a blighted ovum (where there is a sac but no baby).  So that is still a possibility.  He also mentioned that there could have been twins, that I miscarried one and the other one is still there.  And in very unfortunate circumstances, some cancers can cause hcg levels to rise.  I'm really not worried about that because of everything else I've experienced.  So my levels are now high enough that they should be able to see something on ultrasound.  I have one today at 3:00 pm.  I'm bummed I have to wait all day, but the nice part about it being in the afternoon is that Ryan should be able to come, where we weren't sure if he could come at all.  I just pray I get an answer.  They may not be able to see a heartbeat yet.  Around my levels, usually all that is visible is the sac and the baby is just a stem.  I'm praying that if there is a baby, we'll see more than that, just so I can put my mind at ease instead of having to wait even longer.  If there is no sac, no baby then obviously I'm no longer pregnant.  But then the question will be why my levels are still rising.  So here we are still with no certain answers.  I thought for certain we were past this and I was processing and coming to terms with the miscarriage.  I am elated that there could still be a baby in there, but don't want to let myself get excited or think about it too much.  Because there are still major reasons to be worried.

Last night we had my in-laws, Ryan's sister and 2 nephews over for game night at our house.  We decided it was time to tell them.  We didn't want to use the cute way we had planned to because of all of the circumstances.  We told them we were pregnant, but immediately told them everything else that was going on.  My sister-in-law was shocked.  ;)  But my mother-in-law was not quite as shocked.  She has been working in the temple a lot and she said that last month she kept having the impression that we were pregnant and she was just waiting for us to tell them.  She also went on to say that she had the impression that it was a girl.  We told them about the promptings that we had received.  My sister-in-law made the comment that we must all be very in tune and that she wasn't because she didn't have a clue!  I can tell my mother-in-law is worried for us, especially with all the struggles she had with having children.  But it was fun to tell them and it's nice to know we have even more prayers coming our way.  So now to get through the next 4 hours...

Emotions

So it has been a few days since it happened.  Sunday was by far the worst day emotionally.  I was beyond hysterical really.  Monday was a little better, but still pretty emotional.  I was home from work that day and had a few people to keep me company.  My sweet boss brought me flowers.  And even though I said I wasn't looking for sympathy from anyone, it was truly inspiring and overwhelming to see how many people were there to support me however they could.  Yesterday I came to work.  I was still upset, but more than upset, just in a bad mood.  An angry mood.  It was yesterday afternoon that I came to a decision.  I am still sad, so very sad.  But I don't want to be angry.  Those hysterical feelings I had on Sunday, the 'out of control' feelings, were a little terrifying to experience again.  I experienced them throughout our fertility treatment days and for a time after Ian died.  I do not want to be that person again.  Depressed, angry, hurt... I have too much good in my life to let this rule over me.  Yes, I wanted this baby more than anything.  But it is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring it back.  So I choose to be happy.  I will grieve.  When I go to the store and see the outfit I had picked out to buy if we had a girl, I will grieve.  When I saw the pregnancy tests I took that were sitting on my dresser, I picked them up, cried, threw them away and I grieved.  I don't have answers and that is and will be the hardest part.  I feel my faith has been scarred a little, shaken, but not destroyed.  I still have a lot of discussion to have with my Heavenly Father, but I don't feel totally abandoned anymore.  I truly hope that this won't be my only miracle pregnancy.  I hope we can still buy the crib we have picked out, I can still ban Dora the Explorer from our home for another child and yes, even buy all those little jars of baby food.

Since it has been a question I've been asked the most, "Do you guys think you'll try again?", let me try and give you an explanation for that question.  1.  I don't know what this miscarriage has done to my body.  I don't know if it'll totally screw it up and add to fertility problems. 2. Just because it worked one time, doesn't mean it'll automatically work again.  Which brings up more issues.  If it doesn't work, how long do we try?  Do we seek fertility treatments again?  You get the picture.  3. I'm scared out of my mind that this will happen again.  I don't know how many times I've made the comment, "One of my worst fears is to get pregnant after all this time and then miscarry it."  So this is really a nightmare come true for me.  There are so many years and trials that go into that question.  So if I don't give you an answer, please understand this is not a simple "yes" or "no" for me.  Ryan and I will decide as time goes on what is right for our family.  It could be soon but likely will be several months before we even think about it.  You also have to understand the loss my boys have had to deal with in their short lives.  Darek is finally coming to terms and understanding what it would have been like to have a twin brother and how unfair it is that Ian isn't here.  He's dealing with this loss pretty hard (though he shows it in different ways).  He was so excited to finally get to be a big brother.  And Alex is so strong for what he has experienced.  I think much of his concern is for me, which is so humbling to see as a mother.

So that is all for now.  I want to thank you all again for the love and support you have shown me.  You have no idea what it has meant to me.

Longest Weeks of my Life

***I have just finished writing this post.  I just want to make it clear to whomever reads this, that this is not a way to seek for sympathy or attention.  This was for me.  This was my therapy to get through these last couple weeks.  And this is my journal.  I wanted a record of these couple of weeks.  I wrote all of these posts on the day of or morning after they occurred, so these feelings were all 'real time'. 

This has been one of the most exciting and difficult weeks I've ever experienced.  Let me start with a few months ago.  Ryan and I have always wanted more children.  I am so grateful for the 3 boys I have and know I'm so lucky to have them, but our family has just never quite felt complete.  I honestly feel like we have 2 girls (I keep feeling are twin girls) still to join our family, but my intuition isn't always the strongest.  We've discussed having more but have never known which route to take.  I knew I would NEVER do fertility treatments again.  So it was either adopt again or hope that one day I would miraculously get pregnant.  So in December I had an extremely strong feeling that we really needed to try that month to get pregnant.  I've never experienced something quite like this.  It was truly as though someone was yelling it at me.  So I decided to see what happened.  But truly somehow I knew that I would get pregnant if we did what we could.  That brings me to this past week.

Monday - Thought there was a possibility I might be pregnant but was too scared to take a test.  Told myself I would do it the next day. 

Tuesday - Went to the dollar store on my lunch break and bought two tests.  I went home really quick and took a test.  I was so nervous to look at it.  I sat in the bathroom and counted out the 3 minutes I had to wait.  I convinced myself that it was likely I would see the one little line that I have seen for the last 12 years all those times I thought I might be pregnant.  I also convinced myself that I would be okay. Finally I looked at the test and was shocked to see a second little line there.  I started screaming and crying.  Immediately I thanked my Heavenly Father.  Ryan just happened to call me soon after that while I was still sniffling.  I had texted him earlier about something and he just happened to be calling me back right then.  So I talked to him about the thing we had texted about earlier.  And then I just blurted out, "Um I think I'm pregnant!"  He was at work so it was hard for him to react, but was shocked and excited.  Both of us kind of wanted some kind of confirmation, so he suggested I go to the doctor and have a blood test done.  We decided not to tell anyone until we got the test results back. 

Wednesday - I took the second test in the morning.  It also had that extra little line on it, which for me was confirmation enough that I was indeed pregnant.  I was supposed to be hearing back about the blood test (which didn't come back until Thursday), but honestly I felt like I had enough proof.  We decided we would tell the boys that evening.  After Ryan got home from work, I picked the boys up from the park.  I told them we needed to sit and talk about something.  Alex got nervous and started asking what it was about.  He guessed that we were moving or that he did something and was in trouble.  I told him to hang on and we'd be home in a few seconds.  The boys sat on the couch and I had Ryan start recording it.  Alex then thought that by the way we were acting that it was good news.  I told him that good news to us wasn't necessarily going to be good news for him.  And then I told them that I was pregnant.  "No you're not," said Alex.  "Yes, I am."  "No, you're not."  "Dude, I really am."  Alex then got up off the couch, went into his room and shut the door.  He was not thrilled with our news.  (We kinda figured he wouldn't be.)  I told him we needed to talk to him about it and finally threatened to ground him if he didn't come out.  He did and we sat and talked about it.  Darek couldn't have been happier.  He said some of the sweetest things.  My favorite was, "Mom, I really hope the baby comes out brown like me."  :)  We had a good talk and had to let Alex go to get used to the idea. 

Thursday - On cloud nine.  Trying to think of fun ways to tell our family.  Imagining the looks on family members faces as they heard the news.  We decided to take the boys down to the gateway after school and have some fun down there at a new arcade place.  On the car ride there I finally got the call from the doctor confirming the pregnancy through the blood test.  Although I didn't need to hear it, it gave me an extra boost of confidence and excitement to hear it from them.  We had a perfect evening which included finding the perfect way to tell the grandparents about the baby.  We got home late after a great night.  I struggled all night to sleep. 

Friday - After a rough night I got up a little late and started getting ready.  Went to the bathroom and started bleeding.  Started getting worried but wasn't experiencing any pain so I hoped that all would be okay.  Had a little more bleeding throughout the day but again no pain.  Cried off and on throughout work and was constantly looking up symptoms trying to figure out if I miscarrying or if I might be okay still.  Called my new OB and found out he was not in on Friday.  Made an appt. with my regular doctor, but decided to cancel it and wait to see what happened.  Tried to be positive and have faith but I was just worried.  We let the boys know what was going on so they were aware.  I asked Alex if he was a little relieved that I might not have a baby.  He said no, that he really was starting to get excited about it. 

Saturday - Still bleeding, but not much.  Went through the day and started getting some work done on the basement.  While we were out doing some shopping, I asked Ryan if we could pretend that everything was going to be just fine and browse the baby section for a while.  We found a gray crib that we really loved.  I saw something Dora the Explorer and said that our child would not be a Dora fan (I can't stand that show).  I also remembered how much I hated buying all the little jars of food, but love those tasty puff treats.  I was impressed to see that the boxes of baby cereal had been updated and look much easier to use. It was fun to walk through and imagine being able to start shopping in that section again.  It's been a long time.  That helped to take some of the worry away temporarily.  We had planned that we were going to tell my parents that day, but decided to wait until we had more answers.  It was so hard having them over and not saying anything.  After they left, I was laying on the couch and Ryan was setting up our new computer.  Out of no where I had the worst, sharp pain hit me on my right side.  Almost immediately after, my mind went to ectopic pregnancy.  The pain went away quickly but I started researching anything I could.  Not only was I now worried about the life of my baby, but now concerned for my own well being.  Throughout trying to get pregnant up until this point I was really trying to rely on faith.  When trying to get pregnant, I decided not to do ovulation tests or charting or any fertility medication.  I just wanted to let my Heavenly Father know that I had faith that this baby was supposed to be here.  But this is where my faith started wavering.  I couldn't understand why if He had been so forceful letting me know this baby was supposed to come, why all of this was happening.  I told Ryan I needed a blessing.  He gave me one and I was told everything that I needed to hear.  After the blessing, Ryan asked me to pray.  So I sat there and prayed with my husband.  I didn't stop crying through the blessing or prayer.  I felt comfort after that my health/life was not in danger.  And I feel as though things will be okay with the baby.  But I don't know that I'll stop worrying until I hear that heartbeat. 

Sunday - We decided to really take it easy today and stay home to rest.  I let the ladies in the primary presidency know that I would not be at our meeting and would not be at church today.  I filled them in and asked for any prayers they could send.  As a family we decided to go on a ride up to Ogden and through the mountains and back home through Park City.  It took about 2 hours and was beautiful.  The different kinds of beauty in our state are pretty amazing.  A very good reminder of all that we have been given.  The boys even enjoyed themselves (without electronic devices) and we had some really good laughs on our trip.   No matter what happens, I want to remember this week.  Both the wonderful, happy feelings and the feelings of devastation.  I am planning to see the doctor tomorrow.  Again, I want to have faith that everything is going to be great and maybe I'll get to see the first little picture of our little one.  But I am nervous and scared.  Because I know that if that's not the case and this little baby is gone, I will be extremely devastated.  I understand why people wait to tell others about pregnancy until after 12 weeks, but I almost wish I had told my parents and shared this news with everyone.  I have felt very alone through these past few days.  I'm so grateful I've had Ryan, or I truly would've gone crazy.  If I do miscarry they will feel the sadness, but at least they would have been able to feel the joy too, even if for a short while.  Okay, but I am staying positive!  Once we do have some answers, whatever they are, I will probably post this.  For now I will save this until I can come back and post tomorrow.  Sunday evening - Another breakdown after more bleeding and some clotting (sorry for the TMI).  I'm not seeing a positive ending in all of this.  And I'm angry.  I'm hurt and angry.  Ryan came into the bedroom and we sat and discussed our mutual hurt and anger.  We were finally at a point where we were accepting of our infertility.  Not thrilled about it, but had come to terms with it. Why would Heavenly Father send me promptings, very obvious promptings that I need to get pregnant, allow me to get pregnant and then take it all away?  I hope more than anything that I am over reacting and tomorrow I will feel silly and embarrassed to have written this.  But today it is hard for me to see how anything positive can happen.  I'm going to keep praying and hope that tomorrow will bring me a lot of joy!

Monday - This is truly the longest week of my life.  It's 7:45 am, I'm sitting at work and I'm so nervous.  I'm waiting for my doctors office to open so I can call and make an appointment.  And I'm praying they can get me in quickly instead of waiting all day today.  Honestly my mind keeps going to positive outcomes.  Seeing that beautiful picture of our baby.  Having my doctor tell me this is all normal.  Then in the back of my mind I know I need to be prepared for the other possibilities.  So now I wait.  Monday 12:30 - Just returned from seeing my doctor.  No ultrasound.  Bummer.  He said that everything actually looked okay, but that he needed to do a blood test to see what my hcg levels are.  That is the best way to tell if I am still pregnant.  He didn't seem concerned about the sharp pain I experienced, so I'm hoping that it truly is nothing.  The blood work will take a few hours to come back and he told me he would call as soon as he gets it back.  More waiting.  Even that won't give a definite answer.  I will likely go back in a couple days to retest my levels to make sure they are still going up.  But the appointment as a whole has made me feel a little better. Monday 7:30 - Got the results of the blood test around 5:30.  It could be good or bad.  If I'm going off how far along I think I am, then the results are not good.  But if I'm wrong and not as far along as I think I am, then the results could be fine.  So more waiting.  I think my doctor is planning on an ultrasound tomorrow that should confirm things one way or the other.  I'm trying not to cry tonight.  This sucks.

Tuesday - Called my OB this morning with my hcg numbers.  He didn't seem concerned about how low they were and said not to worry about the charts, that the numbers vary so much with each person that you really can't follow it.  I was hoping that he would do an ultrasound but he said that would be pointless, that nothing would really show up and all it would do is cause more worry.  So he said tomorrow we draw blood again and get the hcg numbers again.  If they've gone up, we should be okay.  If they've dropped then we know that we are losing or we've lost the baby.  I think we are going to take the boys out to a movie tonight just so I have something else to focus on.  I just have to get through my work day.  As I read through this and I'm sure once people read through it, it will seem very blown out of proportion.  Especially if it turns out that everything is okay.  But I think what sometimes is forgotten is that this is the first time I've been pregnant in 12 years!  I may not get another opportunity at this (I'm sure not getting any younger).  So if it feels like I'm a little desperate, I am.  And maybe my desperation makes things more stressful than they need to be, but put yourself in my situation and tell me you wouldn't feel the same or at least similar to this. Tuesday 3:45 - Just got home from work and sat and sang at the piano for a minute.  My favorite songs to sing are primary songs.  The one I started singing made me cry a little.  It's called "I'll Follow Him in Faith".  In the song it says, "The Lord has blessed me with simple faith.  If I pray for help, He will give me strength."  "The Lord has blessed me to feel His love.  I have heard His promptings and learned to trust.  So in all I do, I'll be faithful to the things I know are true."  Those words really hit home to me right now and I know I needed to hear that.  I have heard my Heavenly Father's promptings, followed the promptings and now I need to trust in Him.  And how many times have I prayed for help in the last few days?  Each time I do, I receive comfort.  Faith is not an easy thing to have sometimes, but this was a good reminder to keep trying.

Wednesday - Woke up with the puffiest eyes I've ever had, after having another exceptional cry last night.  Seriously, poor Ryan.  I honestly felt like I was going crazy last night.  He compared this to how I felt when we were going through fertility treatments.  And truly that's about right.  Both situations are horrible in their own right and just suck.  Went and got my blood drawn again this morning at about 9:30.  They are testing the hcg and this should give me an answer.  I just need an answer.  I need to know how to feel.  I'm sure you can tell from this post how up and down I have been.  On Monday it took about 5 hours to get results.  I'd love to get them before then, but I'm hoping by 2:30, I'll have an answer. Wednesday 3:45 - I have been nervous all day but finally got a call just before 3:00.  My hcg level rose!  It was at 535 and now is at 839.  This is still very low, but I might just be a person with low hcg levels.  My doctor said that it's nice for me because those with higher levels are the ones that get the horrible morning sickness.  I told him that I was never sick with Alex either, so that was another good indicator that things might actually be okay.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for Friday.  Hoping and praying that we see a little heartbeat!  Which means, I will probably not post this until after we have the ultrasound on Friday.  Yay!  I may actually get through the whole day without crying!!!

Thursday - I guess Thursdays are just good days.  I stayed relatively calm and happy today.  We also decided to tell my family today.  My sister came up and it just felt like we should tell them.  I know we don't have any certain answers yet.  But the way I felt was that I have been so up and down and I am struggling to be happy right now.  I knew that if we told a few family members, that it would make it a lot easier to be excited and happy, which overall is better for the baby anyway.  And if things don't turn out well, I'll have a little more support.  So I took the boys over to my parents house around 6:30pm.  We had a build-a-bear made and bought a little t-shirt for the bear that Darek wrote "World's Best Grandparents" on.  On the birth certificate for the bear we put the birth date as the due date for the baby and in the name spot, we put Baby Wood.  I gave it to my mom and said the boys made them a bear for Valentines Day.  She took it out and they thought it was really cute.  It took her a minute to look at the birth certificate.  When she did, she didn't catch on.  They didn't really notice the date and thought the boys had just named the bear Baby Wood.  I finally had to say, "Baby Wood could be referring to something else."  That did it.  There were many tears, screaming, jaws dropping and complete shock and happiness.  My mom didn't stop hugging me for a very long time.  It was a pure moment of joy.  One I will probably not forget.  Shortly after, my sister came back with her kids after running an errand.  My mom showed her the bear and certificate.  She thought it was cute and commented that "it looks like it made mom cry."  She noticed the Baby Wood, but didn't think anything of it either.  We tried to guide her to getting the meaning of it, but she didn't quite get it.  So I just blurted out, "I'm pregnant!"  "WHAT??!?!"  Again shock, a few tears, hugging and happiness.  I let them all know that we were having some complications and were just praying that the pregnancy would last.  They all said they would be offering prayers as well.  But I don't regret my decision to tell them.  I texted my other siblings and talked to my other sister on the phone for over 45 minutes.  I went to bed so happy last night.

Friday - I woke up this morning actually a little excited to go to the ultrasound today.  I truly believe we are going to be fine.  I was a little bummed to get a call late last night from the ultrasound tech saying she had an emergency and wouldn't be able to do my ultrasound until noon instead of 9am.  But I was able to talk to her about my situation and she was very sweet which helped put my mind at ease a little more.  I am currently sitting here at work at 10:15am.  I have to drink 32 ounces of water and can't pee until after the ultrasound.  This is going to be a VERY UNCOMFORTABLE 2 hours.  And I get kinda sick if I drink too much at once, so I started drinking at 9am, so it's really over 3 hours of being uncomfortable.  It'll all be worth it though. I've been praying a lot this morning.  And I know there are many others out there doing the same.  Hopefully there will be answers soon to come....  Friday evening - So we still don't have any certain answers, but we do have a few questions answered.  We saw nothing in the uterus.  No sac, no baby.  It could be that it's just too early to see anything, so I'm not going to rule that out yet.  They did find an enormous cyst on my right ovary (well, either one enormous one or 4 grouped together).  That explains the pain I have felt on my right side.  Whew!  No ectopic pregnancy.  Whew!  So without seeing anything this either means I have miscarried or it's just too early to detect anything.  Either one is completely possible.  I did have blood work done right after the ultrasound but will probably not get the results until Monday.  Honestly that should be a very good indicator of whether I am still pregnant or not.  My hcg levels should be anywhere between 1200-1600 by now.  If they are in that range or higher then it's likely that everything is really going to be okay and I'm just not quite as far along as I thought I was.  If they aren't in that range or have gone down from the 839 that it was on Wednesday, that would likely indicate a miscarriage.  Still don't know where all the bleeding has been coming from, unless it's a miscarriage.  So once again, we wait.

Saturday - Cleaned the house.  It has really taken a beating with me going through all of this and it really needed some TLC.  Everyone pitched in and it's looking much better.  We had ordered 40 lb. boxes of chicken at a great price, so my mom, sister and I got our chicken and cut and sorted it into baggies for meals.  After that, we all went up to Ogden to have some fun at Fat Cats.  It was a great night.  We talked about the baby and how long it's going to be before we get to find out what we're having.  We also talked about how crazy it is for me to be going through all the pregnancy stuff again.  We all played and had a really fun time with each other.  I'm so glad I had today.  It has really helped to have my family know what's going on.  We don't focus too much on the other possibilities and just really try to be positive and hope everything will be okay.  Tomorrow I am teaching sharing time.  I've had a hard time preparing this week, but I think it will still go okay.  Then after church we're going to my parents for dinner.  My Aunt and a few of my cousins will be there as one of my cousins will be entering the MTC this week to go on a mission.  It'll be another really wonderful day.  And I found out I will have Monday off since it's a holiday.  I love extra days to be with my family.  Anyway, I'm going to finish my sharing time and head off to bed.  It's been a great day.

Sunday - I went to my primary presidency meeting this morning.  I updated them on all of the baby stuff and stayed to talk to them about how we told my family and what an exciting moment it was.  I came home to get ready to go to church.  I went into the bathroom and found that I was bleeding a lot and this time with clotting.  Immediately I knew this was it.  In tears, I called the primary president and asked her to take over my sharing time today.  I texted my family, apologized for getting them excited and told them I was having the miscarriage.  My parents had my boys come over and play while I stayed in bed and cried through most of the day.  The miscarriage itself wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, although it wasn't fun either.  But the emotional pain experienced I've only felt a few other times in my life.  My baby is gone.  This wonderful dream of a sweet little person joining our family that I've had these past couple weeks is gone.  I'm broken hearted and am feeling very abandoned by my Heavenly Father.  It wasn't enough to leave us infertile for 12 years, it wasn't enough to have already taken one of my children.  He had to give me promptings that I would get pregnant, allow it to happen and then take it all away.  I have already had a few comments from people that I know mean well, but that the comments almost make things worse.  "Maybe the promptings were eternal and not earthly"  First, you did not feel these promptings.  These promptings were not eternal, they were earthly.  Second, You cannot add a miscarried baby to the records of the church.  We are not told when the spirit actually enters a person, so I have (nor does anyone else) no idea if this child will be mine after this life.  "If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be"  Why would I receive promptings after 12 years, if this wasn't supposed to be?  If it's not meant to be then why would He be so cruel?  Why couldn't we have just been left alone and continue on with the way things were?  Maybe at some point I will come to terms with this and maybe even find meaning in it.  Right now though, there is no lesson, no reason and I am sad and angry. 

A Little Update

It seems like a lot of time passes between posts, so just want to update on how everything is going in our family.

Darek - Is a spunky little 6 1/2 year old and 1st grader.  He loves school, friends, learning, playing, food and just about everything else.  He goes a million miles a minute and I wouldn't change him for the world.  He is a mama's boy still.  I love when he will come cuddle with me on my bed and we can just lay there and chat.  He is learning to read and doing an amazing job at it!  He is also doing very well with math.  I'm not a fan of his teacher this year at all, since she never seems to have anything nice to say about Darek, but for some reason he seems to like her.  He loves everything Ninja Turtle still.  He looks up to his brother so much and one of his favorite past times is to wrestle with him.  I have no idea how we've gone this long without either one of them breaking bones or needing stitches (knock on wood).  He is a sweet little boy and has an extremely strong spirit.

Alex - Is a chill almost 12 year old, 6th grader.  I can't believe I almost have a 12 year old.  Alex loves hanging out with friends and video games.  There are other things he enjoys, but those are his top 2.  He is most definitely turning into a pre-teen.  He is such a good kid, that I really can't complain.  But I hear a lot more from him now when he's not agreeing with something we've decided on.  Alex is still so smart.  He hardly ever needs help with any homework or assignments. He's been put into a higher math and always has near perfect report cards.  As good looking as the kid is, you'd think he'd have a "girlfriend".  Although he might like a girl, he is very shy and also knows better than talking to his mom about it (since I tease him).  But I'm totally fine with it.  I don't want a girl taking over his life yet.  :)  Alex is navigating a lot more towards his Dad lately.  They have a lot in common and sit and talk about video games and other things.  It makes me happy for Ryan, but sad for me.  I'm losing my little boy a little.  :(  Alex can't wait to turn 12 in a month.  All of his friends have graduated from primary and feels very alone in there now.  I've arranged so he can go to the Sunday school class with his friends instead of staying in his primary class the rest of the year.  He is thrilled!

Ryan - Is amazing!  He has really fit in well at LDS Hospital.  He has moved his way up in X-ray and is really appreciated and respected there.  Currently he is the Clinical Instructor there, so all the new students in x-ray go to him to be taught.  He is really loving that position and his students really like him.  He fills in for the supervisor when she is not there.  Honestly, he is probably a shoe in to become supervisor, if his were to ever leave.  Both his supervisor and manager have told him they'd be happy to mentor him if he would like to start the path to moving up the ladder.  I am always amazed with him and am so proud of him.  Ryan was called to be the 1st counselor in the Elders Quorum a few months ago.  We have a very small Elders Quorum, but he is enjoying the position.

Me - I think the last time I did an update I was still doing daycare and was just getting a new calling.  I am currently working as an office manager for a small company in West Bountiful.  Right now, I am the only office person, but will be hiring someone soon to come help me as we will be hitting our busy time soon.  I enjoy the job, the flexibility and the fact that it's only a 5 minute drive from my house.  I will be hitting my year here in about a month.  Crazy!  My 'new' calling was being put in as the 1st counselor in the primary presidency.  In May I will have been in this calling for 2 years.  I think this has been my favorite calling so far. I love being able to know all of the kids in primary and teach them.  I love what this calling has done for my personal testimony.  I have been able to learn so much from these kids.  And I'm always amazed at how knowledgeable they are.  I also love the women that I serve with.  They are such great examples to me.  It will be very hard to leave this calling.  I am still serving on the PTA board.  And for some crazy reason, I've signed up to be on the board next year.  I really enjoy it, but with working, I feel like I'm not able to give the time I want to give.  Speaking of working... because I wasn't working enough, I decided to start teaching piano.  It's been hard on my schedule, but I have really enjoyed all the students I have.  I have some very talented kids and I'm excited to see where this goes!

On top of our crazy lives, we've started working on our basement.  We have two very large rooms to finish down there and eventually finish off a storage area.  We are hoping to get it done by June.  Maybe sooner, but we'll see.  I can't wait to have the extra space!

I'm in the middle of another very LONG post that I will probably publish on Thursday, so this will have to due for now.  :)

Blogging again

I have not been on my blog for a very long time.  Part of that is that I hardly take pictures anymore and the other part is that our computer is in our unfinished basement that we almost never use.  Well, we just got a new computer and have moved it into our front room, so I'm going to try my hand at this again.  Hopefully there are a few people still out there that will want to follow me.  :)

Friday - Day 3

You ask anyone in my family, they will tell you that this was the favorite day of the whole vacation!  And it's already been a whole week since we were there.  :(  We decided to travel down to Williamsburg, VA to relive another moment from our honeymoon.  We went to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg.  Ryan and I loved this park when we were there before and we loved it that much x10.  First off, the drive down there is gorgeous!  Every time we've been in Virginia, we talk about the beauty of it.  You cannot see beyond the roads because of the trees.  So you constantly feel like you're in a forest.  So we took the 2 1/2 hour drive down there.  As we hit VA, Darek asked, "So are we going to go pick up our new baby brother now?"  I guess because he knows he was born in VA, that it's where we go to get a baby.  It was the sweetest comment and took a lot for me not to cry. 

We arrived at the park about an hour after it opened.  I won't go into detail about the rides we went on, because I will sound like a complete roller coaster nerd if I do.  I'll just say that the rides were incredible!  Some of my favorites from before were still my favorites now.  And although I can't remember a lot of specifics from almost 13 years ago, the park was just as beautiful as I remembered.

We went on as many family rides as we could, since Darek was 46 inches and most of the rides required him to be 48 inches.  We enjoyed Escape from Pompei a lot, since that was one that was fun for all and got us soaking wet!  Ryan and I took turns going on the big rides with Alex while the other stayed off and went on the littler rides with Darek.  Lucky Alex got to go on all the big ones at least twice! 

There was a very overwhelming moment for me as I went on the flying swings with Darek while Ryan and Alex were off on Apollo's Chariot.  I sat there, flying through the air, with my beautiful little boy thinking back to my honeymoon.  I was this very young almost 19 year old, madly in love (almost stupidly in love), thinking of the perfect life that laid ahead of me.  We'd go to school until our first child was born, then because of all the money we were making, I would stay at home without an issue, keep having children, build our dream home, have my 5-6 children by the time I was 30, be the incredible PTA/soccer/church/everything Mom that I had always wanted to be and we would all live happily ever after.  So very naive.  But as I looked down at my beautiful little Darek, I realized how grateful I was that all those "dreams" didn't come true.  Because he would not be there with me.  Nor would Ian be waiting for me in Heaven.  Are there some things from that 19 year old's dreams that I would have loved to have?  ABSOLUTELY!!!  But I would not trade even one of them for my boys.  I'm sure people were watching with much curiosity as tears were flowing down my cheeks.  But it sure was an interesting and emotional flash back for me to return to that newlywed mind and remember all the things that I had wanted and was positive I would have.

As we left the park that day, all the boys could talk about was coming back again one day.  I made a comment that maybe in another 12 years we could come again.  Then I wanted to throw up as I realized that in 12 years, Alex would be 22 and could be married with his own kids and Darek would be almost 17 and would be a senior in high school.  Yep, I'm okay not thinking about that right now.  I'll enjoy my 10 and 4 year old for now.  But we all have said how much we want to live in VA.  We have some pretty deep ties to that state and feel a huge since of belonging there.  But for now we are here and have no plans otherwise.  But I would not be opposed to it if it happened down the line. 

Anyway, here are a few of the pictures we got that day....