Two Years

It's hard to believe two years have passed. Two years without our sweet little Ian. For some reason I thought it might be easier this year. Not as difficult to deal with and think about. But it actually seems a little harder. I know part of it is because Darek is this funny little kid now with such a huge personality and I dream about what Ian's personality would be like. I imagine him being a sweet little guy and kinda shy. I can see his beautiful smile (but it's different from Darek's). I imagine him loving his pacifier and having a hard time taking it away from him. I can see him sitting with Darek and dancing and singing to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Umizoomi. He loves music and especially loves to lay in bed and sing Twinkle, twinkle and ABC's. He loves books and could be read to for hours. He knows how to throw a really good tantrum, but they don't last long. He is beautiful, just like Darek. He has the same big, brown eyes. He loves getting in a good sword fight with his brothers. He is very sensitive. He has a special bond with his Daddy. He gives the best hugs and kisses.

I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to daydream about what he would be like if he was here. But sometimes, it helps. I wish I knew exactly where he was and who was taking care of him. I know that sounds silly. But as a Mom, just saying, "He is in a better place and being taken care of", isn't enough. I want to know specifics. I know I won't get an answer, but I want one so badly.

Ian, I miss you so much that it feels like part of my heart is missing. I need to be so much better to ensure that I can be with you again. I love you.