This is a post I've wanted to write for a little while now, but needed some major strength and a lot of time to sit down and write. I guess now is as good a time as any.
First I wanted to post this poem that I took from a friends blog. Her little girl passed away in February. I cried the entire time I read this poem because it says all of the things that I haven't been able to express. And having it typed out for some reason, really brings the emotions out as though I'm finally saying it. I hope that makes sense. On some of these I wanted to add my own thoughts to it, so anything I write will be marked with a *.
Normal
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone
important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
... Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays
Christmas,New Years, Valentine's Day,and Easter. * Or whether to take anything at all because it almost seems silly at times because you know your child will never actually get to play with anything you bring.
Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a
funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your
heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and
screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's
go through your head constantly. * This is my biggest hurdle. I don't know that I'll ever be able to get past the what if's and why didn't I's.
Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding
your head to make it go away. * Especially on the anniversary of Ian's death. I wake up in the morning to that horrific phone call. Then take myself through each and every moment of the day from calling my husband to tell him that Ian didn't have very long, listening through the phone to my son being given his name and blessing and then finally talking to the doctor confirming that Ian had left this earth. I can remember each of these moments as though it was yesterday.
Normal is staring at every child who looks like she is my child's age. And then
thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then
wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. * Sometimes I wonder if it's easier or harder having Darek for this reason. I know almost exactly what Ian would look like and what he would be doing. Sometimes I think it makes it easier (especially when Darek is being a stinker), but then makes it extremely hard when I have those very special, wonderful moments with Darek. I know that I should have double those moments, double that happiness, double that love.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness
lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday,
commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful
it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your
child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the
balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really. * And finding a way to do it where I'm not taking away from the happiness of Darek's birthday.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my
child loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but
we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets
worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss,
unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the
remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent
is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. * I feel lucky that it's not an everyday occurrence for me anymore.
Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as
cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying
together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this
because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people
trying to think up excuses as to why children were taken from this earth
is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did
laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three
children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not
worth explaining that my child is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two
children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your
child. * I hate this more than anything. There is no easy way to do this and unfortunately it's one of those questions you are asked all the time. It is the most difficult question for me to answer and I always get the biggest lump in my throat as soon as I am asked this question.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking
if there even is a God. * I have never questioned if there is a God, but I always wonder why.
Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for
you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".†
There are a few of these that I thankfully feel don't really apply to me. But this is a very good look at normal for me. I have struggled a lot in the past few weeks. I think part of it was because the anniversary would be coming soon but there were many other factors as well. I have been feeling as though I have been moving backward instead of forward with my feelings about Ian's death. I have been feeling some extreme bitterness and anger that I don't think I've been allowing myself to acknowledge or admit to. But because I haven't acknowledged it, it's been growing inside and prohibiting me from coping and moving forward. I'm hoping that writing some of these feelings down will help.
The guilt I feel is something I don't know how to get past. There are a few times I remember being back in Virginia that I felt so torn. There was one time I remember being at the hospital with Ian. Ryan had already returned home, so I had to leave Darek with the family we were staying with (since he wasn't allowed to come with me to the NICU.) At the hospital there was very little I could do. I would talk to, read to, and sing to Ian but I recall feeling bored (again, feelings I don't want to admit to) and wanting to go back to Darek, where I could actually take care of him and felt needed. I can't forgive myself for feeling that way, for not enjoying every moment I had with Ian. It's hard for me to remember and focus on the sweet moments I had with him. I tend to focus on the negative and things I could have/should have done. I wonder all the time if I should have been more forceful with the doctor and demanded that they keep doing everything in their power to keep Ian alive. Maybe he would have gotten better. Maybe I would have had the time to get back to Virginia to be with my little boy as he left this world. I know he was in excellent hands, but I wanted it so badly to be me.
I asked Alex a few weeks ago if he ever thinks about Ian. He replied, "No, not really." It was a bit of a shock to me and it wasn't that it made me mad, just so sad. But what can I expect? And this is where more of my anger comes in. I get so angry sometimes with God that he didn't allow Alex the chance to meet his little brother. I know it may have been harder on Alex when Ian died, but he deserved to have some positive memories with the little brother he had waited so long to get. One day, after having a really hard day, Ryan came home from work and sensed there was something wrong. I told him I was okay, but soon burst into hysterics and started telling him everything that I had been holding in. One thing that has made me feel like I should hold it all in was the fact that everyone around me seemed to be okay. I felt like I was a crazy person for still feeling like a basket case after 3 years. Ryan explained that for him, he had to come to terms with death at a very young age because of close friends, grandparents and others that had died. He said he also thinks very factually an feels that Ian's body was just not made to stay on this earth for long. He doesn't question or do the "what if's" because the outcome will never change. He tried to be comforting and told me that I shouldn't feel crazy, that my feelings are completely valid. I told him that I wish I could be like him, just accept what has happened and continue on. Why can't I?
The part of the poem that says, "Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my child is in heaven, but hearing people
trying to think up excuses as to why children were taken from this earth
is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother." This is something that even I have done. I try to cover my sadness by saying, "Well it's probably better that he's not here because he would've had a difficult life and possibly had health problems and many other struggles." I realized the other day that this is really not how I feel. It's true that he may have had many struggles and issues, but the truth is, I don't care! I would've loved my son no matter what! I would have taken care of him and given him the best life he could've had here. I know this is completely selfish. But I also think of the joy he would have experienced too. There are so many people here that love him so much.
Because we had Ian for such a short period of time, I felt like anything I hadn't shared on my blog before he died was something I needed to keep to myself, something I didn't want to share. I think I felt that if I shared everything about him, all the pictures, all the video, then there would never be anything else ever again to share about him. And even though that's true, it's something I'm trying to accept. So looking through some videos, I found 2 that I had never posted. It still makes me sad to watch, hearing the hope in our voices, knowing the dreams that we had for our little boy. But these are moments that we'll always get to remember.
I will always miss my little boy. I know that will never change. I wonder if one day some of the guilt or sadness will go away. I just hope that the few wonderful memories I do have with Ian won't ever fade. I don't ever want to forget him or feel like he's fading from my memory. I hope he can feel my love for him and knows who I am. And as always, I hope that I can live the kind of life that will one day allow me to be with my baby again so I can truly show him how much I love him.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Turning 30
My birthday was a week and a half ago, so I thought I'd finally blog about it. I honestly didn't have too difficult a time turning 30. I think the biggest change is just saying the number. I feel like I've been twenty something for a very long time, so to say thirty now is just kinda weird. But I decided that your age is what you make it. Just because I'm 30 or 40 or 50 doesn't mean I have to act any differently than I do now. Sure, my body may catch up with me and tell me what I can or can't do, but I have control over my mind (at least for now). I hope that as I get older I will still make time to have fun. Play in the nerf wars, stay up all night with the girls.. maybe even a sleepover or two, play soccer with my boys, play volleyball with anyone who wants to and all that other great stuff. That's the kind of stuff I live for and it helps keep me young.
My birthday was simple, but really great! My girls took me out a week before my birthday and we all went bowling! After, we had some cake and just stayed up chatting for hours and hours. It was a blast! I celebrated with my family a few days early because my actual birthday was going to be very busy. But we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse and they got me some wonderful gifts. Again, so simple, but spent exactly as I wanted. And for the first time EVER, Ryan actually had flowers delivered to me!! He has only bought flowers for me on 2 other occasions, but one didn't really count because I was standing right there. When my mom brought them down to me, Ryan was actually home. She said someone had sent me flowers. I said, "Who in the world would get me flowers?" Then looking over at Ryan I said, "It definitely wasn't you, right?" Amazingly he wasn't offended, but laughed and nodded his head that it was him. The arrangement was gorgeous and full of my favorite flowers! Biggest shock ever!
I love my family, my life, my world. Sure there are things that I would like to change, things that I hope will come soon in my life, but I feel so grateful and blessed for these first 30 years of my life. I have been given so much and hope I have been able to repay some of that to others.
My birthday was simple, but really great! My girls took me out a week before my birthday and we all went bowling! After, we had some cake and just stayed up chatting for hours and hours. It was a blast! I celebrated with my family a few days early because my actual birthday was going to be very busy. But we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse and they got me some wonderful gifts. Again, so simple, but spent exactly as I wanted. And for the first time EVER, Ryan actually had flowers delivered to me!! He has only bought flowers for me on 2 other occasions, but one didn't really count because I was standing right there. When my mom brought them down to me, Ryan was actually home. She said someone had sent me flowers. I said, "Who in the world would get me flowers?" Then looking over at Ryan I said, "It definitely wasn't you, right?" Amazingly he wasn't offended, but laughed and nodded his head that it was him. The arrangement was gorgeous and full of my favorite flowers! Biggest shock ever!
I love my family, my life, my world. Sure there are things that I would like to change, things that I hope will come soon in my life, but I feel so grateful and blessed for these first 30 years of my life. I have been given so much and hope I have been able to repay some of that to others.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Jobs...Moving...etc.
So as you all know, school is OVER for Ryan. Over, over, OVER! There's always the possibility of more in the future, but we're talking at least 10 years away, if ever! He finished at Weber in July and received his bachelors. He still had his MRI licensing test to take, which was really giving him some anxiety for a while. He felt totally unprepared (thanks to the spectacular job they do 'teaching' at Weber State) to take the test, but crammed in some major studying. He just hoped he would get a passing grade. As usual, he did more than that. My miraculous husband pulled out a 92% on the test. So he is official!!! He has received all of his licensing information and certifications. It's so nice to have that all behind us. I figured this would end the most difficult part of it all. I was wrong...
We are searching for a job. I hate this process 10 times more than I hated when Ryan was in school. At least we knew how long school would take and had a plan set for it. We have found that it will be nearly impossible to get a job in Utah. I'm not exactly sad about this. There are sad aspects, but I really like the idea of a new adventure. And honestly we're not even finding jobs close by. There has been one posted in Utah, but the rest are either back east or down in Texas. We've applied for a few and are waiting to see if we hear anything back. We've found a lot of companies are keeping jobs open for over a month and then may or may not contact you at all to let you know if they are even interested. It's so frustrating and not what we're used to. We're pretty open at this point as to where we will go. There are a few states that we probably won't apply to, unless we get desperate. I have had so many people come up and say, "Aren't you supposed to have moved by now?" Makes me feel so good inside! It's aggravating not having any control over any of it. Our goal has been to be moved before Christmas. I'm really hoping we can still meet that goal. But I'm constantly losing hope in that. It's only been a month and a half, so it's not like it's all that long. But after you spend so much time and money into school, you want to start making the money you deserve on a full-time basis! I'm grateful that Ryan does have 2 jobs right now working on an as needed basis. It's not always consistent work, but it's helping us survive.
Anyway, just thought I'd give an update on our situation. Hopefully a post will come soon about our new job somewhere and that we'll be moving in a few weeks.... but don't hold your breath!
We are searching for a job. I hate this process 10 times more than I hated when Ryan was in school. At least we knew how long school would take and had a plan set for it. We have found that it will be nearly impossible to get a job in Utah. I'm not exactly sad about this. There are sad aspects, but I really like the idea of a new adventure. And honestly we're not even finding jobs close by. There has been one posted in Utah, but the rest are either back east or down in Texas. We've applied for a few and are waiting to see if we hear anything back. We've found a lot of companies are keeping jobs open for over a month and then may or may not contact you at all to let you know if they are even interested. It's so frustrating and not what we're used to. We're pretty open at this point as to where we will go. There are a few states that we probably won't apply to, unless we get desperate. I have had so many people come up and say, "Aren't you supposed to have moved by now?" Makes me feel so good inside! It's aggravating not having any control over any of it. Our goal has been to be moved before Christmas. I'm really hoping we can still meet that goal. But I'm constantly losing hope in that. It's only been a month and a half, so it's not like it's all that long. But after you spend so much time and money into school, you want to start making the money you deserve on a full-time basis! I'm grateful that Ryan does have 2 jobs right now working on an as needed basis. It's not always consistent work, but it's helping us survive.
Anyway, just thought I'd give an update on our situation. Hopefully a post will come soon about our new job somewhere and that we'll be moving in a few weeks.... but don't hold your breath!
Happy 33rd Ryan!!!
I'm back peddling here a little bit, but I didn't want to miss wishing my amazing husband a Happy Birthday. He turned 33 on Sept. 9th. Ryan never wants big celebrations or big deals made out of his birthday, but I'm totally opposite. So I ended somewhere in the middle. I got a really fun cake for him. It was a Real Salt Lake cake. It was a soccer field with the RSL logo in the middle. The decorator was amazing and paid very good detail to the logo. Ryan was very surprised and loved his cake. I took him to dinner and a movie for his birthday. We saw Contagion, which was really good and totally made me into a temporary germ-a-phob. The movie made it extremely hard to go to dinner at Golden Corral after the movie. It was probably pretty funny to watch us both cringe as we picked up tongs or spoons for the different dishes, wondering who had touched them and what diseases they had. :) My in-laws were sweet enough to watch the boys and let them hang out with some of their cousins. They had a great time there. We had a great night with some much needed alone time.
I love you Ryan! Happy Birthday!
I love you Ryan! Happy Birthday!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Darek Soccer
Even though I have about 20 posts to catch up on, I was looking at these pictures tonight and just had to get them on here. Darek has been watching his big brother play soccer since he was born and has loved playing in the backyard with him. We found out this year that Darek would be old enough to play on a team. Last weekend was his first game. I laughed so hard, to the point where I was almost crying, it was so funny to watch. Darek has a lot to learn... like, you cannot pick up the ball and place it where you feel it needs to be. You cannot tackle kids for the fun of it. It's pretty important to kick the ball into YOUR goal and not the other teams. We'll get to all of these things in time. For now it's so much fun to sit, watch, laugh, cry from laughing so hard and cheer! I love that he is starting sports. He is going to be an extremely athletic kid! It's already become harder as a mom to have another kid with activities to get to. But I sure do love being the 'soccer mom'!
Oh, and I have to say that I had the best time shopping for his little cleats and shin guards. Who knew they actually made them in sizes that small?? If I can, I'll get a few videos on here that were just hilarious from the game. But enjoy this for now!
Oh, and I have to say that I had the best time shopping for his little cleats and shin guards. Who knew they actually made them in sizes that small?? If I can, I'll get a few videos on here that were just hilarious from the game. But enjoy this for now!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Who Wants Some Lemonade??
Alex has been begging for ways to make money. Since summer began, our "Mom Bucks" system kinda went out the window. Every once in a while I've let him earn some money for certain things by doing chores around the house. But I decided that I would let him try something else to earn some money. Lemonade stands were pretty common (from what I can remember) when I was little. I remember doing them all the time. So, to relive my glory days and to help my kid create some fun memories, I mentioned having him do a lemonade stand. He wasn't sure about the idea, but agreed to it. We decided to go crazy and sell a few other items as well. We had Otter Pops, Double chocolate chip cookies, Lemonade and Shasta soda. I decided this time I would donate the items and not make them pay me back for them. Alex helped make the signs and sort of helped me get things ready. He decided he wanted to invite his buddy Christian to come help with the stand... even if that meant splitting the profits in half. We packed up the van and brought everything down to Orchard Drive and set it all up. The boys held their signs up, jumped and ran around to attract customers. We stayed out for 2 1/2 hours from 11:00-1:30 and took a break for lunch. We decided we'd head back out around rush hour to see what we could do. We were out again from 5:30-7:15 in the evening. All together, the boys made $28.00... thanks to some very generous tips from parents, grandparents and neighbors. :) The boys were THRILLED with how much money they earned and Christians parents couldn't quite believe the stack of money he came home with. Alex's last comment of the day was, "I think we should do this every day until school starts!" Yeah, I don't think so! One day was good for me. You might be able to get one more out of me in the near future. But I will agree that it was a blast. We were able to stay cool in the shade and the boys stayed very hydrated on the lemonade they were supposed to be selling. :)
Darek loved being included with the big boys and loved holding his sign up. It scared me a lot to be on a main road, but he was surprisingly good and never stepped foot in the street.
Alex's sign cracked me up! I loved that that's what he decided to write. :)
One more story... One of the cars that pulled up to buy stuff had a sweet little boy in the back seat, a little younger than Alex. His mom got some cookies and asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to get an Otter Pop and made sure his mom got one for his younger sister and then had to tell me he was going to get one for his little sister. He talked to me while we were getting everything for them. He asked me if I liked banana bread. I told him that I did. He said he had made some with his grandma that day, a whole bunch of little loaves. He pulled one out of the bag to show me. I asked him if he was going to go sell them. He said no and said he wanted to give them to his friends and neighbors and then said that he wanted me to have one too. I asked him if he wanted some money for it. He smiled and said no. I totally got choked up! I took it and thanked him profusely for the bread. He got a huge smile on his face and said, "Your welcome! I hope you like it." I know how easy it is to be selfish sometimes and always want to "get something" for another thing. But this moment from this little boy reminded me how easy it can be to do something selfless. It left quite the impression on me and I hope I will keep it in mind the next time I'm feeling selfish. I've also decided that no matter what (unless it's a life or death emergency) I will stop at every lemonade stand I see. And I will always leave them a tip. It doesn't matter all that much to me, but it means the world to those kids! :)
Darek loved being included with the big boys and loved holding his sign up. It scared me a lot to be on a main road, but he was surprisingly good and never stepped foot in the street.
Alex's sign cracked me up! I loved that that's what he decided to write. :)
One more story... One of the cars that pulled up to buy stuff had a sweet little boy in the back seat, a little younger than Alex. His mom got some cookies and asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted to get an Otter Pop and made sure his mom got one for his younger sister and then had to tell me he was going to get one for his little sister. He talked to me while we were getting everything for them. He asked me if I liked banana bread. I told him that I did. He said he had made some with his grandma that day, a whole bunch of little loaves. He pulled one out of the bag to show me. I asked him if he was going to go sell them. He said no and said he wanted to give them to his friends and neighbors and then said that he wanted me to have one too. I asked him if he wanted some money for it. He smiled and said no. I totally got choked up! I took it and thanked him profusely for the bread. He got a huge smile on his face and said, "Your welcome! I hope you like it." I know how easy it is to be selfish sometimes and always want to "get something" for another thing. But this moment from this little boy reminded me how easy it can be to do something selfless. It left quite the impression on me and I hope I will keep it in mind the next time I'm feeling selfish. I've also decided that no matter what (unless it's a life or death emergency) I will stop at every lemonade stand I see. And I will always leave them a tip. It doesn't matter all that much to me, but it means the world to those kids! :)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
More Thoughts
So, just a little update on the job situation. We got word back on the Logan job... no go. We were really disappointed, but have come to terms with it. The job in Idaho finally closed and we are waiting to hear back. A few other jobs have opened and we will probably apply for them. So we'll just see what happens.
I had a talk with Ryan last night to try and explain how I was feeling about our current situation. It was so helpful to both of us and has made me feel a little more at ease. But it doesn't really solve anything. I still feel the same way.... stuck. The hard part about this for me is, What do I do? I have been doing daycare for the past several years. With the current situation being as it is, I'm down to watching Ava (whom I love and adore) part time during the week after school. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my days. I can't really try to get more daycare kids, knowing that I could be moving soon. I still have my little Darek around, which I love. But I feel the need to contribute financially right now. Especially since we need to save as much as possible for moving. But how can I go to an employer and say that I'm the right person for the job, when I know full well that I will probably be moving before Christmas (at least we had better move before then)? Ryan suggested that I take this time to go to the DATC and get my certificate in my CNA, EMT, etc. (I haven't decided yet). But I explained that I can't really do that until we know if we'll be staying nearby. It would be a huge waste of time and money if we ended up moving away. Anyway, I just feel stuck. It's not that I mind just focusing on Darek and being a Mom. I'm just used to doing more. And I'm afraid I'll become a couch potato. So there it is. As always, my hope is that this is all short lived and we'll get a job soon and get settled somewhere.
Onto the kiddos.
We decided a few weeks ago to take Alex out of the Spectrum program. Very hard to take him out after finally having made the decision to put him in it. But we thought about how hard it would be to start the school year out at a new school, make new friends and then move and have to do it all over again. So we're keeping him at Adelaide until we move. That way he still will see his current friends and not have to worry about that part of it. Alex is having a blast with this last bit of summer. He and all his neighborhood buddies are really making the most of it. They just had a sleepover last night and as we speak, he and Christian are playing poker at our table. :) His friendship with Christian will probably be the hardest thing to leave behind when we move. Alex is more than ready for 3rd grade. (Writing that totally made me cringe... how did I get a 3rd grader???) He is excited that his other best friend, Jaxon will be in his class. Jaxon is the only kid who has been in every school class since Kindergarten. They have a lot of similar interests and very similar personalities. Alex can't wait to get back to see his friends again. Alex is also still in soccer. He did baseball during the summer and loved it, but his heart belongs to soccer. He is in bantam soccer... which is in between recreation and competitive. It's to help him get ready to be in competitive soccer, if he chooses to do it. So Alex has been doing soccer practice all summer long and is continuing to get better and better. His first game is a week from Saturday and I really can't wait for it!
Darek has also enjoyed the summer. He has become best friends with our neighbor Savannah, Christians little sister. They are inseparable and get along really well... most of the time. Darek is a smart little boy and is learning lots of new things. We're working on ABC's right now and he recognizes more than 1/2 of his numbers. Darek really thinks he is going to school this year. He wants so badly to be big like his brother. I'm considering putting him in preschool. Although I could do it with him here, he really wants to go somewhere else for school. Again, it's all about feeling like a big boy. The place Alex went for preschool requires kids be potty trained before they come. Darek is not there yet. We are trying to potty train again, starting today, but I'm not holding my breath. There is another place, further away that does not require it, so I'm considering it. But my hope is that the enticement of going to preschool will help him finally get potty trained. If he does go, I will have a few hours to myself during the day! I really don't know what I'll do! Darek is also starting soccer this fall. We found out that our rec center does soccer for 3 year olds. He is on a team with his buddy, Truman. I found out the other day that his first game is on Sept 9th, Ryan's birthday. I cannot wait to go watch these little 3 year olds try to play soccer. Darek is already amazing at dribbling a ball. I think the struggle will be trying to get him to get the ball in the goal. Just thinking about it is making me giggle.
I have found that my blog really is my therapy. I'm glad to have it just to write feelings and thoughts down. And I appreciate the comments people leave too. So thanks for listening to my whining, complaining, excitements and all the other boring stuff. You all make me feel very loved!
I had a talk with Ryan last night to try and explain how I was feeling about our current situation. It was so helpful to both of us and has made me feel a little more at ease. But it doesn't really solve anything. I still feel the same way.... stuck. The hard part about this for me is, What do I do? I have been doing daycare for the past several years. With the current situation being as it is, I'm down to watching Ava (whom I love and adore) part time during the week after school. So I'm trying to figure out what to do with my days. I can't really try to get more daycare kids, knowing that I could be moving soon. I still have my little Darek around, which I love. But I feel the need to contribute financially right now. Especially since we need to save as much as possible for moving. But how can I go to an employer and say that I'm the right person for the job, when I know full well that I will probably be moving before Christmas (at least we had better move before then)? Ryan suggested that I take this time to go to the DATC and get my certificate in my CNA, EMT, etc. (I haven't decided yet). But I explained that I can't really do that until we know if we'll be staying nearby. It would be a huge waste of time and money if we ended up moving away. Anyway, I just feel stuck. It's not that I mind just focusing on Darek and being a Mom. I'm just used to doing more. And I'm afraid I'll become a couch potato. So there it is. As always, my hope is that this is all short lived and we'll get a job soon and get settled somewhere.
Onto the kiddos.
We decided a few weeks ago to take Alex out of the Spectrum program. Very hard to take him out after finally having made the decision to put him in it. But we thought about how hard it would be to start the school year out at a new school, make new friends and then move and have to do it all over again. So we're keeping him at Adelaide until we move. That way he still will see his current friends and not have to worry about that part of it. Alex is having a blast with this last bit of summer. He and all his neighborhood buddies are really making the most of it. They just had a sleepover last night and as we speak, he and Christian are playing poker at our table. :) His friendship with Christian will probably be the hardest thing to leave behind when we move. Alex is more than ready for 3rd grade. (Writing that totally made me cringe... how did I get a 3rd grader???) He is excited that his other best friend, Jaxon will be in his class. Jaxon is the only kid who has been in every school class since Kindergarten. They have a lot of similar interests and very similar personalities. Alex can't wait to get back to see his friends again. Alex is also still in soccer. He did baseball during the summer and loved it, but his heart belongs to soccer. He is in bantam soccer... which is in between recreation and competitive. It's to help him get ready to be in competitive soccer, if he chooses to do it. So Alex has been doing soccer practice all summer long and is continuing to get better and better. His first game is a week from Saturday and I really can't wait for it!
Darek has also enjoyed the summer. He has become best friends with our neighbor Savannah, Christians little sister. They are inseparable and get along really well... most of the time. Darek is a smart little boy and is learning lots of new things. We're working on ABC's right now and he recognizes more than 1/2 of his numbers. Darek really thinks he is going to school this year. He wants so badly to be big like his brother. I'm considering putting him in preschool. Although I could do it with him here, he really wants to go somewhere else for school. Again, it's all about feeling like a big boy. The place Alex went for preschool requires kids be potty trained before they come. Darek is not there yet. We are trying to potty train again, starting today, but I'm not holding my breath. There is another place, further away that does not require it, so I'm considering it. But my hope is that the enticement of going to preschool will help him finally get potty trained. If he does go, I will have a few hours to myself during the day! I really don't know what I'll do! Darek is also starting soccer this fall. We found out that our rec center does soccer for 3 year olds. He is on a team with his buddy, Truman. I found out the other day that his first game is on Sept 9th, Ryan's birthday. I cannot wait to go watch these little 3 year olds try to play soccer. Darek is already amazing at dribbling a ball. I think the struggle will be trying to get him to get the ball in the goal. Just thinking about it is making me giggle.
I have found that my blog really is my therapy. I'm glad to have it just to write feelings and thoughts down. And I appreciate the comments people leave too. So thanks for listening to my whining, complaining, excitements and all the other boring stuff. You all make me feel very loved!
The Grand Canyon... It Really Is Pretty Grand
So our summer had been planned with several cool trips... most of them didn't work out because of unexpected financial issues. But we were still able to go to the Grand Canyon. I have never been and I have to say that I was not thrilled about going to the Grand Canyon. It seemed like it was going to be pretty boring... ugly drive through Arizona, looking out at canyon and then a boring trip back. I wasn't all that impressed at the idea and could only think of how dumb it would be. I was more wrong then I could have ever imagined.
The drive was actually pretty amazing, once you got past the desert part. It actually turned into a beautiful forested area and lots of amazing little meadows. I had no idea there was any part of Arizona that looked like that! :) I was glued to my surroundings as we drove through. As we got closer, it was hard to imagine that this would just end as a huge cliff into the Grand Canyon. But finally it did. Now I've seen many, many pictures of the Grand Canyon before and it really didn't look all that special. Nothing can prepare you for seeing it in person. There is no way to really describe it, but to do my best, I've come up with a list of words I would use. I've also asked the kids to describe it. :)
Magnificent
Beautiful
Majestic
Breathtaking
Incredible
Nerve wracking
Picturesque - Seriously! Most of the time I felt like I was looking out at a painting. It was hard to believe it was real... until you looked down. ;)
High
Awesome
Scary
Fun
Cool
Awesomest thing I've ever seen!
It was so, so scary on the mountain. It was very cool. I liked to walk. I was going to get hurt.
I love kids interpretations and memories of places. I hope they remember something about it. I kinda doubt it with Darek, but I'm sure Alex will have some great memories of the trip. But, as always, here are some of our pictures.
Honestly, this is a trip I will most definitely want to do again! I love trips like these. And although we didn't get to go to Yellowstone like we had planned, it will be a trip that we will do in the future. I love trips to Disneyland, but they all seem to mesh together as far as memories go... because we go so often. It's nice to experience something new with my kids and make those lasting memories.
The drive was actually pretty amazing, once you got past the desert part. It actually turned into a beautiful forested area and lots of amazing little meadows. I had no idea there was any part of Arizona that looked like that! :) I was glued to my surroundings as we drove through. As we got closer, it was hard to imagine that this would just end as a huge cliff into the Grand Canyon. But finally it did. Now I've seen many, many pictures of the Grand Canyon before and it really didn't look all that special. Nothing can prepare you for seeing it in person. There is no way to really describe it, but to do my best, I've come up with a list of words I would use. I've also asked the kids to describe it. :)
Magnificent
Beautiful
Majestic
Breathtaking
Incredible
Nerve wracking
Picturesque - Seriously! Most of the time I felt like I was looking out at a painting. It was hard to believe it was real... until you looked down. ;)
High
Awesome
Scary
Fun
Cool
Awesomest thing I've ever seen!
It was so, so scary on the mountain. It was very cool. I liked to walk. I was going to get hurt.
I love kids interpretations and memories of places. I hope they remember something about it. I kinda doubt it with Darek, but I'm sure Alex will have some great memories of the trip. But, as always, here are some of our pictures.
Honestly, this is a trip I will most definitely want to do again! I love trips like these. And although we didn't get to go to Yellowstone like we had planned, it will be a trip that we will do in the future. I love trips to Disneyland, but they all seem to mesh together as far as memories go... because we go so often. It's nice to experience something new with my kids and make those lasting memories.
St. George Nerf War
When we went to St. George in July, we were able to have a Nerf war in Chad's school. The only downside was that the floors had just been waxed, so we all had to be barefoot. We used the band room as one base and the piano room as the other base. We did a couple rounds and wore ourselves totally out! Hayley was nice enough to take pictures of our war...
We didn't really have any flags, so we used coats that had been left at the school. We hid ours in the box. You can see the sleeve sticking out.
This is where the guys hid their coat.
The kids always enjoy climbing in the band instrument lockers when they visit. Cracks me up!
The whole gang pictured (except me... who was taking the picture). This is the best family fun you could ever have!!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Waiting, Waiting and More Waiting
So even though I have a few other things to post about (like our trip to the Grand Canyon), I have to let off a little steam. I'll start off by saying... I am NOT a patient person when it comes to planning my future. I like to have an idea of what is going on and when it will all take place. When we moved in my parents basement, we were going to be here 2 years tops! Hahahaha.... 6 years later. It has totally killed me not going by "the plan". Not to say it hasn't been wonderful. We owe a lot to my parents for letting us stay here. We have been able to finish school, with no school debt at all! We have been able to adopt our boys, which would not have been possible at all if we were not living here! And many more blessings have come from us being here.
But it is time to move on. Ryan is DONE with school!!!! So we've applied for a few jobs. There is really nothing extremely close to here, which honestly, is perfectly fine with us. We actually prefer to move out of state, although that may not happen. At this point, we've applied for an MRI position in Idaho Falls. This position has been open since July 1st. It still has not closed. And if it doesn't close, they cannot interview for the position. I was told it should close soon, but that was a week ago, so we're really not holding our breath on this one. The other job we applied for is one in Logan. This is a Rad tech job, so not exactly what Ryan wants to do and not quite as much money. But it's still something he loves and will be happy to do if he gets the job. This one was only open a couple days, so there is more hope on this one.
It has been difficult trying to figure out what the best plan for our family is. Alex is not thrilled with the idea of moving, but is not totally opposed to it either. The more we talk about it, the better the idea becomes to him. Darek doesn't understand what is going on and I'm sure he'll adapt well when we do finally move. I'm so excited at the thought of having our own place again. It has been way too long and it will be nice to have more space. We are thinking that once we finally do settle down somewhere, we can finally focus on finishing our family. I'm not getting any younger, after all. :) It's hard to have all of these things up in the air right now. I hope it is all short lived and we'll get answers soon.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Hopefully we'll get some good news soon that we'll be able to share with everyone!
But it is time to move on. Ryan is DONE with school!!!! So we've applied for a few jobs. There is really nothing extremely close to here, which honestly, is perfectly fine with us. We actually prefer to move out of state, although that may not happen. At this point, we've applied for an MRI position in Idaho Falls. This position has been open since July 1st. It still has not closed. And if it doesn't close, they cannot interview for the position. I was told it should close soon, but that was a week ago, so we're really not holding our breath on this one. The other job we applied for is one in Logan. This is a Rad tech job, so not exactly what Ryan wants to do and not quite as much money. But it's still something he loves and will be happy to do if he gets the job. This one was only open a couple days, so there is more hope on this one.
It has been difficult trying to figure out what the best plan for our family is. Alex is not thrilled with the idea of moving, but is not totally opposed to it either. The more we talk about it, the better the idea becomes to him. Darek doesn't understand what is going on and I'm sure he'll adapt well when we do finally move. I'm so excited at the thought of having our own place again. It has been way too long and it will be nice to have more space. We are thinking that once we finally do settle down somewhere, we can finally focus on finishing our family. I'm not getting any younger, after all. :) It's hard to have all of these things up in the air right now. I hope it is all short lived and we'll get answers soon.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Hopefully we'll get some good news soon that we'll be able to share with everyone!
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