Very Humbled

Today (well officially yesterday since it's Sunday morning) has been a wonderful day. It's one of those days that helps you put things in perspective and reminds you of what life is all about.

We started out our day today at a PBS function. My Dad invited us to this read-a-thon activity last year and we had a great time! So when he asked if we'd like to go again this year, our answer was a definite YES! Alex was thrilled since he could remember the activities from last year. It was held inside a building on the Utah State Fairgrounds. I packed Alex and Darek up in the van and we got there shortly after 10:30 and stayed until almost 2:00. Daddy needed a little downtime, so he stayed home. Many of the activities involved science and learning, but of course in a fun way. The boys started off coloring their own face mask, then went and made some dinosaur claws, dug for gems, went on an I Spy mission, got face painted, picked out a new book and watched an amazing Japanese drum show. We had so much fun! My Dad was there taking pictures (and showing his grandsons off to his co-workers) and got to come over and play with us every once in a while. It was a wonderful way to spend some quality time with the boys. For some reason though, one moment stuck out in my mind. We were sitting on the floor watching the drum show. I had Darek on my lap and he was mesmerized by the huge drums and the loud boom that they made. Alex was sitting next to me, but climbed onto my lap as well. Although this was slightly uncomfortable for me, I didn't protest. About a minute later, without either of them thinking about it, they rested their heads on each other. I don't know why, but it was such a beautiful moment for me. They cuddle all the time at home, play, rough house, dance, sing, etc. But this was such a pure, beautiful moment between these two brothers and I couldn't help but just stare at them. It was one of those moments that you don't want to pass. I could have sat there with my sweet little boys forever.

Shortly after we came home from that fun activity, my parents were wonderful enough to agree to watch our boys for the evening so Ryan and I could go on a date. I know I'm not the only who knows how rare a date with a spouse is. We decided to go see The Lovely Bones at the theater and then go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. I had read The Lovely Bones and fell in love with the book. It's a sad, yet beautiful story and I really wanted to see the movie. The book was definitely better than the movie, but the movie was still extremely thought provoking. For those who don't know, the story is about a girl who is murdered and watches and tries to help her family cope through the sadness. While we were eating dinner, Ryan and I had a really spiritual and emotional conversation. I think our waitress thought I was an emotional wreck. We talked about all 3 of our boys and what miracles each one has brought to our lives.
Ian. We unfortunately have experienced losing a child. But one thing this movie reminded me of was that his little body decided it couldn't take this life anymore. His life wasn't taken in a horrible way. Both Ian's life and death were a miracle. He shared his beautiful little spirit with us, even for a short while. One thing that I think of often with Ian is what would have happened if he had passed away before they contacted us. Would we have even found out about him? They probably would have mentioned his birth and death, but not even suggested that he still be adopted. I remember the questions that came when we mentioned having the adoption still go through after he died. They thought we were crazy. It has made me wonder how many other babies have had that same circumstance. Placed for adoption at birth, but not placed with a family until it was known whether they would live. The thought of a baby dying without a family is incomprehensible to me. I have my own beliefs as to what might happen in those cases. But I get emotional thinking about a baby being alone... without a family. I am so grateful that Ian hung on to life long enough that he could have his eternal family.
Darek. Our walking, talking, bubbly little miracle. I can't help but smile whenever I talk about Darek. The fact that this little guy is walking, talking and driving us crazy is a miracle! I don't know why or how Darek has come out seemingly untouched from being so premature. But I will say over and over again how grateful and lucky we are. Although he can throw a temper tantrum as good as the next kid, he also has this really sweet personality. He will give hugs and kisses to everyone and is so good at saying thank you. (We're still working on please) He loves his family, especially his awesome big brother. And man is he smart! He can say almost any word now and recognizes the word to the object a lot of the time. It's amazing how he fits in our family so perfectly. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter how you get your kids. If they are meant to be yours, then the way will be found.
Alex. What a little man our Alex is. Yes, we have plenty of 6 year old days. But over his 6 years he has shown amazing insight way beyond his age. This kid was born to be a big brother. I don't think there was anyone better prepared. From about the time he turned 3, maybe even a little before, he was begging for a sibling. When it didn't happen and still didn't happen, he was the one who had the faith. Not only the faith, but the insight. He told me again and again that we were going to have two babies. I remember a specific walk we were on. I was introducing him to the idea of adoption. He knew what it was since Nathan and Mallory are adopted. But I asked him what he thought about us adopting a baby. He looked at me and said with total assurance, "Mommy, there is a lady that is going to have two babies and she won't be able to take care of them and they are going to be our babies." I, with my lack of faith said, "Well, that would be really neat, but I don't know if that will ever happen." But he always stuck to it and reminded me several times. When Ian died, Alex didn't quite know what to do. He was so happy to be a big brother and actually have two babies. Here was one of his brothers that he had never met, yet loved so much, gone. He asked us so many questions about Ian and about death. I thought he would have so much trouble when we went in to dress Ian for burial. But instead, he touched his little face and stayed so calm and collected. There have been many times he has cried and wondered why, but has always been unwavering in his faith. What a miracle Alex has been for us.

I'm sorry this has been so long and drawn out. But I really felt the need to write all these feelings down. The last conversation Ryan and I had on our way home was about our family. I was talking about why a big family is so important to me. I believe that from this life we won't take our jobs, our homes, cars, or other possessions. I believe we will take our memories, our knowledge and we will have our family. So while it is important to have a home and a good job here, I don't ever want that to be the focus of my life. I want family to always come first. When I die, I want to be surrounded by our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc. So I am hoping that somewhere down the road (hopefully sooner rather than later) we have a few more little ones waiting to join our crazy, but wonderful little family.

I am so grateful for days like today that help me focus on the great things of life. I hope these feelings will last so that I remember them when Darek is throwing a tantrum during church or when Alex interrupts me during an important telephone call. :) Life is never perfect, but there are moments throughout life that sure come close.

I Take It Back

Ha ha... so ya know how I mentioned in my last post about a new job. Yeah, I quit. For those who haven't read through facebook, let me explain a little bit more.

When I accepted this awesome job at the bakery, I was told I'd get to do a little of everything. Decorating, cookies, cakes, bread, cleaning, etc. Well it turned out that all I would be doing was the cleaning part, with a little bit of slicing bread thrown in there. I really wasn't happy about leaving my boys to be paid minimum wage to be a janitor. I know that eventually things may have gotten better but I'd rather do some learning on my own from home where I can be with my boys. So after 2 weeks there, I told them that this wasn't going to work out and that it wasn't what they had described to me that I'd be doing.

I've already been having fun from home. I've made some cupcakes and just today did 5 caramel apples. I'm excited to learn new things and get better at what I love to do. I will continue to do daycare and am looking for 1-3 full-time or part-time kids. Please let me know if you or anyone you know is interested.

So there is the update for now. I'm just happy again being at home!

New Years cake

I don't have much desire to blog right now, so I'm gonna make this semi short. I wanted to get some pictures up of the New Years cake we made. My brother in law, Chad and I have wanted to make a cake together for quite some time. So we decided New Years would be a great opportunity. We talked about what we wanted to do and had my sister, Hayley, draw out a sketch of what we wanted. Chad, Bethany and I went shopping for the materials and went to work. On Wednesday we baked the cake, filled it and covered it with fondant. We refrigerated it overnight and went to work decorating all day Thursday. We had a blast making the cake and working together. I didn't get pictures of the whole process, but I do have some pictures of taking the cake to Buca di Beppo for dinner on New Years Eve. It was quite the tasty cake too. Although I'm not a fan of fondant and took most of that off, the red velvet cake with chocolate ganache filling was quite excellent!

Anna, Tyson and Alex

Beth and Chad

Dad and Mom

Cute little Darek

The Cake

Beth, Chad and myself holding our masterpiece

Taking the pin out so the ball can drop. We wanted something with more mechanics, but didn't have the time. Maybe next time we can try something a little cooler.

Tasty cake

The whole family (minus my brother and his family who couldn't make it out this year) From left: Hayley, Ryan, Darek, Dad, Mom, Anna, Tyson, Alex, Bethany, Chad, Mike and Brayden